Horoscopes

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Some people find the raucous rambunctiousness of children noisy and intrusive, but that's rarely the case amongst your tribe. Usually, the chaotic cacophony of youthful playtime is the perfect background music for your life. I mention it because it's the element you've been missing, but you've been too busy to notice. Go sit near a playground this week, or otherwise inject some playful chaos into your everyday existence. You only think you like peace and quiet. In truth, silence is good sometimes, and certainly better than just plain noise, but what you really need is some joyful clamor. You'll see; once you have some, you'll be thinking more clearly than you have in months.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

You're a diesel engine being forced to run on moonshine. It's a wonder you can get your motor started at all! Trying to operate without the things that nurture you is a bad mistake but an understandable one, considering your circumstances. However, it's time to correct it, before your whole gravity vehicle breaks down completely. Get loaded up with premium fuel this week. That might require a bit of running around and research, to get all the pieces in place; but better now than later, when running around will be about half as possible as it is now.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

Your life is a theater of the absurd this week. Only when you are at your freakiest will things go smoothly. In fact, if you do this whole trip well enough, things will go better than smoothly; they'll accelerate, intensify, and multiply in delicious ways. So go jogging in a ball gown this week, wear bunny ears to work, or tap dance while cooking. Flash your lover. Prank call your best friend. Don't resist your wildest, most whimsical urges. It'll do you good to go "Ta dah" for the moment, and it'll be mighty fun (for us as well as you).

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

Children are better disposed to learn new languages; their brains are generally more flexible and able to form fresh structures to accommodate differing modes of thought. Using a different language to express your thoughts changes those thoughts fundamentally—which is pretty cool. If you have a kid, make them learn to speak fluently (and therefore think) in other tongues. But even more importantly, try to get back to the place where you could be flexible enough to think and talk about things in dramatically different ways. It'll probably take you 10 times as long as it would've when you were 7. But do it anyway.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

There's a powerful hermit force within you, the part of you that sometimes longs to go find a tiny, scarcely inhabited island somewhere, like Micronesia, and just hang out there for the rest of your life. Indulge yourself this week. Fuck, go to Micronesia if you can afford it. It doesn't pay to force yourself to be social just because it's expected of you. You're great with people when you want to be; when you're not in the mood, you just end up stinging them instead. Then you feel guilty, and they're in the fetal position, whimpering in misery. Nobody wants that. Go be a hermit for a while. Come back to civilization when you're ready, not when we are.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Words are meaningless. What you need right now is action, or at least a picture. Unfortunately, all I've got is words, so I'll try to paint you a verbal illustration. You're like a ship—the old-fashioned, wooden kind, with three masts and square sails. You're ready to colonize the world, or at least explore it. Only your ship is piloted by monkeys. They're the most agile and swift crew you could ask for. But they can't talk. That shouldn't stop them, though. You're more prepared to go far (and in style) than you've been in ages; just don't try telling anyone that. It's no big deal; as long as you know not to bother trying to articulate your intentions (which is doomed to backfire, miserably), you're free to just act on them, instead.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

You're a babe in diapers. You're not used to being so totally helpless. Your legendary ability to control variables is at an ebb right now, and that could be pretty scary, or exciting, or both. Don't just lie there and cry, though. You're more than a blob of baby fat and poo. So you're not as on top of things as you thought you were. So the fuck what? Being out of control means other things can happen, things that are beyond your conception. Letting other people's imaginations in on the action means you might experience some lame-ass bullshit, but it also opens the door to amazing stuff that you'd never have dreamed up on your own.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

Admit it. You have no fucking clue what you're doing. Finally fess up to exactly how long you've been flying by the seat of your pants and basically just guessing about which way to go and how to get there. We'll actually admire you more, not less, once we learn that you haven't planned everything out from the very beginning. It means you're much more courageous than we suspected (and therefore hotter). Milk it. You're a clueless but talented adventurer. Cast off the mantle of ruthless and foresighted plotter and don the one of dashing swashbuckler, and see how your life changes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

My hustler friend is complaining about being outsourced by cheap boys from Poland and the Czech Republic, who are driving prices down. Consequently, he's turning to his artistic talents to make his way in the world, instead of trying to compete with those boys' bargain-basement blow jobs. I think it's for the best; sex work's a rough life if you do it for too long. A similar force is driving you from once-lucrative work you're not crazy about to slightly less fruitful labors that you enjoy immensely. Go with it. Don't cling to the old dealio long after it's done. It's yesterday's thing. Head toward tomorrow's, and don't look back.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Don't let people help themselves to an all-you-can-eat buffet of your soul's best tricks. Those delicious morsels are special and rare. Bury them like truffles, under the ficus tree in the corner of your apartment if necessary. Put them someplace unsuspicious and altogether inconvenient, lest you retrieve them in a moment of weakness. Then you'll be able to resist the subtle psychological torture and bribery employed by the search parties sent to plunder you of your coolest mojo, and you'll still be able to dig it up once they're gone, to be shared amongst those who really deserve it.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Mama Venus goes direct late this week, after what seemed like ages in retrograde. What that astrological hooey means for you is that all your supposedly tried-and-true techniques for navigating social situations will cease backfiring with such frequency. I'm sure you've noticed that whenever you've tried to turn on the charm lately, you've mostly come off as a chump, instead. It's kept you from getting jobs, laid, or your way in so many situations that part of you has started to feel like a real loser. Luckily, you're not. It was just a bad patch. Come out swinging next week. You're back on your game.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

I was a Sign last week, a marker on someone else's newly chosen path indicating that she was doing the right thing. It was kind of cool; I didn't need to do or say anything in particular, just be myself. That was enough to help her on her way. I mention it because the mantle of Holy Omen is being passed to you this week. Resist the temptation to overthink it or to try and talk your way through it; you'll simply screw it up with too many layers of complexity. This kind of thing is actually quite simple. If you stumble into the role of a significant character in someone else's play, don't freak out about what lines to say or the direction of the plot. Just be yourself; that's how you got the part in the first place.

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