What wrong with you? You are so off you game. What happen to the good Dategirl??? Find Her Please!
Why yes, Kwame, I agree. I have been a little off my game, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for that. It's just that I've had a couple weeks jam-packed with exes popping up out of nowhere—all of them in the mood to chat. No sooner do I field one than another rears his head. Then I dodge that bullet, and still another one e-mails. It's enough to drive a woman to the brink. For a drink.
Here's my dilemma. For the past two years, I've been dating a wonderful guy whom I love and who says he loves me. The sex and the friendship are equally amazing. The problem lies in the fact that this wonderful guy is still not sure what he wants out of life (meaning marriage and/or kids). I am the oddity among my friends in that I still dream of a ring on my finger and a baby in the future. His dream is similar, except that the baby is a puppy and the license would be just to satisfy me. As we are both in our early 30s, I know we still have some time to make this decision, but I am also well aware of my ticking (biological and dating) clock.
My friends, who all adore him, tell me that I am trying to change him. We even broke up once, amicably, because he felt he was holding me back. It only lasted two days. I cannot imagine my life without him, yet I am not willing to give up on this dream. I know I am lucky to have even found him, and I really just want to enjoy the relationship in the here and now, but I need to know I am not spinning my wheels with a guy who will just end up breaking my heart.
Men and women are so very different on this front. Am I foolish to think he will one day (soon) change his mind? I have guy friends who tell me they went back and forth and weren't sure until one day they just knew. It took either meeting the right girl (maybe it's not me?) or just the slow clarity that comes with age. Do I wait for this to hit him and hope it does in a reasonable amount of time, or do I open my eyes and realize he's not really "the one"?
Used to Be Lucky
My friend Heather's wise aunt once told her that there is one phrase more dangerous than any other in the English language—the phrase "he's got potential." As humiliating as it is to admit, the phantom promise that things would change has lulled me into staying with myriad losers because I saw some sliver of goodness and smarts lurking within them. Of course, the positive attributes often came cloaked in the body of a freeloading sociopath with hygiene issues, but I still managed to fool myself into thinking the good would outweigh the bad in the end. I was wrong. Every time.
Now unlike the men I've described, your fella sounds swell, but you're still counting on him to morph into something he may or may not be. If getting hitched and spitting kids is that important to you, then you have to move on. Maybe your evacuation will compel him to finally decide what he wants to do with his life, and perhaps that'll include knocking you up and squeezing out a brood of squealing brats. But you have to be more prepared for the (more likely) likelihood that he'll just wish you the best and go on about his business.
The good news is, there's no such thing as "the one." You can scoff and call me cynical, but falling in love is more dependent on mutual timing than anything else. Which is where you're out of sync. You're thinking babies, he's thinking puppies. Sure, it's possible that he'll change his mind within the time frame your ovaries have allotted, but it's also possible that flying monkeys will leap out of his ass and knit you a quilt. You never know.
Got something on your mind? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.