My good friend (and surrogate sister) Beauty has a new boyfriend, Dick. They have been dating three months, and he is about to move in with her. Dick is into dominance and submission. Not something I care for, but I don't have to sleep with him. The first time I met him, he was trying to get everyone to care/think/whatever just like him. He didn't get any takers. I really didn't care for him and thought he was just a big overgrown bully/narcissist.
Yesterday Dick started taunting me. At one point, he put his hands on me and started to tell me what a nice man he is and how nice he could be to me. I (loudly) told him to get his f#$!ing hands off me. He also told me that I probably liked passive, weak, intelligent types. He taunted me all through dinner (Beauty repeatedly told him to stop), and I either ignored him or used humor to deflect his taunts.
I need advice. Please tell me how to deal with this bully without giving up my surrogate family.
Don't you hate it when bad boyfriends happen to good girlfriends? My friends have certainly been in your position on more than one occasion, so I'll share our strategy of dealing with a dear friend who insists on dating down.
Take your lovely pal out for an alcoholic beverage, just you two. Insist that she leave Dickwad at home. Lie if necessary. Tell her there's something very private you need to discuss with her. Pour a drink down her throat and tell her how much you value your friendship. Make sure she knows you're not judging her (even though you are maybe just a little—who could blame you!). Assure her that you're happy she found someone to love (stifle the gagging sounds!), but confess that he makes you very uncomfortable and that you'd prefer to keep group activities to a minimum.
When my friend "Myrna" started dating a guy we both knew had given his ex a black eye, I warned her it was a bad idea and hoped she'd come to her senses. When he loudly and publicly called me a slut, I told her to keep him the hell away from me or I'd put his eyes out. In a way, I was actually lucky he'd been an asshole, because that way I was completely justified in avoiding him. After a while, it wasn't an issue—we agreed to disagree. Eventually she came to her senses, realized she was dating a moron, and dumped the loser. Here's hoping your friend does the same.
You could just try to avoid him, but if she's got half a brain in her head, she'll figure that scam out. As someone who has dated quite a few jackasses in her day, I can assure you that deep down she knows what kind of moron she's with—even if she can't admit it to herself.
My cousin and her husband are two of my best friends. We spend a lot of time together, and lately a guy friend of my cousin's husband has been spending a lot of time with us as well. I'd always assumed he was married, but recently I discovered that not only is he unmarried but he has a little crush on me! Which was a pleasant discovery because I have had a little crush on him, too, but never allowed myself to entertain the possibilities because I thought he was married!
One of the reasons I thought he was married is because he lives with a woman. My cousin swears that the two are no longer romantically involved and are roommates because they made the mistake of purchasing a house together a few years back. She says that they are purely roommates and that he's been sleeping on the sofa for quite some time now. In addition to that is the concern over the fact that we share such close mutual friends. If things don't work, we are going to be stuck looking at each other across the table on many future occasions.
The problem is I can not stop thinking about this guy! What to do?
Love is not for the weak of heart. In the immortal words of Young MC—"Bust a move." Duh! That's an easy one!
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