Horoscopes

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

Give me more of everything, please. That'll be your polite request all week, as you ask the universe to turn up the volume on every instrument you're hearing or playing. If you were a musician, you might ask for more bass, more guitar, more drums, more vocals; in your life, you could demand more love, more sex, more fun, more work, more pay, more respect, more comfort, more adventure. The best part is, you're totally in with the sound guy at the mixing board. He's going to deliver whatever you want, in stereo sound, volume 10.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Some people like to let the screen door slam shut like a shot behind them and hit the ground running. Others creep from their front steps cautiously, after sending forth house pets as scouts and scouring weather reports. You're capable of either, depending on your mood or circumstance. Choosing which this week may have more import than you'd suspect. Whether you have a fantastically fortuitous time this week or a terribly tedious one could all come down to which bus you catch. Timing is everything. Trust your gut when it says take your time to check the schedule, but also heed it when it says haul ass.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

With Mars and Saturn bookending your sign this week, you're crammed between a barking dog on fire and a hard place, dripping with acid. At least, it might seem that way at first. As long as you don't panic and get yourself burned and bitten by the dog or etched and slammed by the barrier behind you, you'll find that these compressive forces will transmute into better, luckier ones—a loyal hound with passion in his heart just ahead of you and a ladder to better places right behind you. So just hang tight when things look grim; they'll lighten up as soon as you do.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

You have two choices. You could stay perfectly safe in your iron suit for the time being. But that means abstaining from diving into the deep, scary, and dangerous waters ahead. What will it be, Leo? Taking the exciting (if unwise) course and leaving behind your best defenses in order to explore new worlds? Or residing in the comfort and safety of territory you've already learned inside and out, and leaving the exotic and wild terrain to bolder souls? I'm sure that you have already made up your mind, but just in case you were opting for the tediously tame option, please consider this: In less than three months, a vicious storm (that you wouldn't even feel beneath the waves, incidentally) is likely to come roaring off the sea, rendering your iron armor into an immovable block of rust.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

There's always going to be at least one asshole who disapproves of you, not only on a personal basis, but drawing (absurdly selectively) from some source of authority to prove his point that not only is what you are doing personally distasteful to him, it's just flat-out wrong. Fuck that asshole. Literally fuck him if necessary, with righteous glee. Pointing out how the Bible doesn't actually prove his point is futile; demonstrating the error of his ridiculous and judgmental ways by showing off how fun yours are, by contrast, is totally the way to go.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

Have jeweled intentions. Make sure your desires are of the most sparkling and delightful variety. I don't want to give you advice that limits your humanity, but since your basest, most lame impulses are endowed with extra compulsive force this week, I want to make sure you're at your best anyway. Curb the worst of yourself for now, the most knee-jerk and reactionary urges within you. Think things through. Consider: What would Gandhi, Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Starhawk, or your greatest hero do? Then do that, instead of the first thing that came to mind on your own.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

You take an awful lot for granted. Maybe you can afford to. Perhaps your innate intensity affords you a certain level of arrogance and assumption. You're always sure that people will be attracted to you and save a spot in line for you and take care of you when you're sick. Not that you don't deserve it—but these people you're unconsciously counting on deserve some occasional recognition as well. Make sure you give it to them this week, because anyone you're walking all over like carpet will yank themselves out from under you so fast you'll be on your ass before you get a chance to assume anything.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

You missed a boat over the winter and have been wandering the water's edge ever since, kicking yourself and wondering if you'll get another chance to see what's on the other side. Here it is, lovely. Now that your ruling planet, Jupiter, has gone direct after months in retrograde, you'll have a second opportunity to board that cruise liner for parts unknown. Don't miss it again! I don't care if your bags are packed, if the dog needs to be walked and fed, or if your job hangs in the balance. These things can be taken care of after the fact. Be on that floating vessel to your future by the end of the week or give up on that dream for good.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

In two weeks, I'll be in Berlin. I'm launching myself across the pond with a few bucks in my pocket (and not much more), a beginner's grasp of basic German, and a healthy sense of adventure. You're far more prepared for the exploits ahead of you than I am for this one. Take my lead, and don't let the handful of (ultimately unimportant) things you're missing keep you from getting on that plane. Being too cautious right now could make you miss out on some good shit, and live in awful, miserable regret for the rest of the year.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

A fist to the face could stop you in your tracks, especially if it catches you by surprise. Thus I'm yelling out this warning, in plenty of time for you to benefit: "Duck!" Especially because this right hook is intended for the guy behind you, I'd prefer you avoided the astrological knockout. Just dodging this blow doesn't mean you get to stay out of the fight altogether, though. In fact, the main reason I'm helping you avoid an instant TKO is so you can do proper battle in the coming weeks. We need your help to fight the good fight—we're facing steep odds as it is; without you, we don't stand a chance.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

Bitch and Animal (bitchandanimal.com) are totally pussy. If they have their way (and they will), people all over will soon be using words like pussy to describe things they like, not have contempt for. "He was so pussy, I couldn't wait to get him into bed." Do your bit to join their ranks and combat ridiculous sexual repression. You've known for just ages that there's no part of your body that's inherently dirty or shameful, no matter what you've been taught by your folks or society. Others are slightly less enlightened. If you could help them out, that'd be really pussy. Thanks.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

It's a good week to count on a long-standing alliance with a dear old friend. Sorry for the boring horoscope, but sometimes just knowing you're going to have a blast with your bestest, oldest bud can be just as useful as knowing you're going to get laid or fall in a hole and break your knees. So don't sweat risking it all or wading into waters over your head just to find a good time. You don't need to wander far from the fold for your fun this week; just call one of the numbers you know by heart.

caeriel@yahoo.com

 
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