Mostly I rely on readers to send me questions, but once in a while, a friend of mine asks something so stupid—I mean, pertinent—that I run with it.
I'm on the phone with a friend—let's call him Forest—and he starts yammering on about his ex-girlfriend. Now, I did not like this particular ex one bit. Mostly because she loathed me, and I'm used to being universally, if not loved, at least liked. So obviously there was something very wrong with her from jump. But even besides her dislike of me (which should've been a deal breaker!), this girlie was a giant pain in the ass. We'll call her the Evil Slag of Misery—or ESOM for short. Well, ESOM was always yelling at Forest over nothing, seemed to live in a perpetual state alternating between PMS and heavy flow, and was just generally a mean, unpleasant person. Who happened to be a monster in the sack.
Anyway, Forest wisely dumped this scrawny little bitch a few months back in favor of a much more socialized woman. Oddly, this one doesn't like me much either, but I'm going to chalk that up to her being intimidated by my good looks and personality and give her the benefit of the doubt. She'll come around. They always do. . . .
But back to my friend's query . . . apparently ESOM didn't take their breakup so well. She still calls and e-mails, pestering him for answers better left unsaid and begging him to come over and fuck her. Her incessant offers of sexual favors prompted his phone call to me: "Is it a bad thing if you sleep with an ex-girlfriend because she thinks it'll help her 'heal'? Would that be cheating on your present girlfriend? What if you just make out with her for a while, but there's no penetration?"
Now, I find a good rule of thumb as regards infidelity to be that if you have to ask if it's cheating, it's cheating. But even more than that, what kind of lunatic thinks that sleeping with her ex-boyfriend—whom she's still in love with!—will help her "heal"?
This is not the first time Forest and I have had this conversation. She keeps pleading; he keeps wondering if a relapse shtup would really be so wrong. So once and for all I'm going to tell him what's up in printed format so he can cut this column out and keep one copy taped next to his phone, another glued to the windshield of his truck, and still another folded away in his wallet.
Forest, your ex-girlfriend is a mental case. This was apparent enough while you were dating; it's even more obvious now. As for the making out without penetration angle you're trying to slide by me—please. You know as well as I do that's not going to fly. Which brings me to my next point. . . .
I've been dumped by puh-lenty o' men, and let me tell you what—unless you've gained 100 pounds, developed erectile dysfunction, become afflicted with a disfiguring skin condition, or recently started making repulsive little mewling noises when you come—fucking you is not going to help her get over you. What kind of deranged logic is she throwing your way?
All three of us know that quite the opposite will occur. She will become even more attached to you. Those 3 a.m. sobbing phone calls will increase 5,000-fold. She will tell all your mutual friends that you used her for sex and slander your good name across town. Best of all, your nice(ish) new girlfriend will find out—not because anyone tells her—but because women always know. Your life will go back to being the dramatic disaster it was before you pitched that little bitch outta the ballpark. But this time none of your friends will listen to you moan, because it's one thing to wind up with a psycho, it's quite another to invite her back into your life. And what fun is suffering in silence?
I realize it's not easy to turn down guaranteed hot sex, but you're a big, strong man and she's just a widdle tiny girl (who happens to be nuts!). So resist, my friend. Summon all your strength and Just Say NOOOOOOO!!!!!
Stupid questions? Write Dategirl at
email@example.com c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.