Special Celibacy Episode

Yes, I know I can't possibly be the only virgin left standing, but at 20 years old, you start to wonder, is there something wrong with me or was it really my choice not to do the deed or go out and have fun? I haven't even had a "boyfriend" yet. I know it's the new millennium and all, but I still have a problem asking a guy out. What do you think? Am I just being a baby? Should I just go after a guy?

The Oldest Living Virgin

I'm plopped down on my bed here at Dategirl HQ frantically alternating between salty and sweet snacks, staring at my bloated belly, waiting for my overdue period to arrive. I'm not particularly worried about the Red Menace's tardiness, because it's not like there's any chance in hell I could possibly be knocked up. (Unless we're talking immaculate conception, but I'm pretty sure God would pick a more welcoming womb if he were gonna pull that crap again.) It's now been so long since I last had a penis inside me that I, too, have rebecome a virgin. I can practically feel my hymen knitting itself back together. In fact, I don't even remember how to have sex. If I ever meet another handsome, smart, funny, wonderful man (or even a hot jerky guy) who wants to get nasty with me, I'm going to have to read a book on the topic and study the diagrams. Where the hell's the hot fudge?

OK, on to your concerns. . . . First, let me assure you that as a certified (or is that certifiable?) love-and-sex-advice professional, I can attest, with absolute certainty, that you are far from being the oldest living virgin. Please. I have guys in their 30s and 40s writing in, wondering how to get rid of their cherry. (Howz about paying for a picker?) My friend Sal's brother is almost 50, and he's never even seen a naked lady (unless you count his psychotic mother, but that's a whole other can of yucky worms).

You'll lose it when you're ready. Your 20s are prime virginity-losing years. You're not behind the curve at all. It's not unusual to have been boyfriend-free at your age, either. Unless you're having sex with them, there's not much point to having a boyfriend anyway. As far as asking a guy out goes, I'm all for it. The thing you have to understand is that menespecially the young onesare, at base, kind of retarded. If you sit around and wait for one of them to issue an invitation, you might be asking me the same question in 20 years. Only by then you'll be really cranky.

Dear Ms. Dategirl/Girl of Date/Judy/etc.:

Happy New Year! I'm going to stay off the playing/dating field for a year. At least, that's my resolution. After dating one "it's all about me" woman, having a soulmate girlfriend check out by suicide, and having the feeling of being implied a loony by you [When did I do that?!?DG], I'm going to take a year off dating. I'm depending on you to remind me how bad the dating scene can be. No columns about how great sex is with a hot date after a nice dinner. Nothing about walking barefoot in the sand on Ruby Beach while looking for a large-enough drift log to get busy behind. Nothing about doing some hottie while on vacation on the C�d'Azure after the Cannes Film Festival, and nothing about getting banged at sunset in a Las Vegas hot tub under the palms. I'm counting on another year of how bad it is out there.

Here's to you!

Eric

I must tell you that I thoroughly disapprove of you taking yourself off the market for a year. It's especially unfair to blame it partially on me! I would never advise anyone to keep it in their pants! However, as for your requestyou can count on me. My last date used the N-word nonfacetiously (he was white, and not Eminem), and the guy before him was gay. It doesn't get much worse than that, but I'll keep trying.

Bad dates? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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