Man's-Eye View

OK, a couple weeks back (Dategirl, Dec. 10) I let a reader named Julia spout off tips for men writing personal ads. Her take inspired the wrath of a young man named Marlowe. So this week, in the interest of fairness, we're going to entertain the man's-eye view.

MARLOWE'S ONLINE DATING RULES

Be specific about what you are looking for. If you are yearning and burning for a relationship, say so. Same goes for booty or friends or activity pal or whatever. Too many women try to paint the corners.

You are correct! Too many women try to lure the guys in with talk of NSA booty action when what they really want is a husband. Then there was the chick my friend Rich went on a second date with. He got to her house and she had a list of chores for him to perform. After he'd hung a shelf, fixed her bike, and changed a lightbulb, they got down to it. Except she even had specific instructions for that! She informed him he had to fuck her from behind, pull her hair just so, and bite her on the neck. Her instructions were so detailed that he eventually lost his will to bone her and went out for a nice slice of pizza instead.

If you are an outdoors freak, more power to you. But keep in mind Seattle isn't Walden Pond and you aren't Thoreau, so calm down with all the effusive nature-girl talk. And please find less clich餠ways to say you are into hiking, fishing, rock-climbing, etc., because pretty soon all those ads sound alike and come off like the ones in SoCal where all the women say they are into "long walks on the beach at sunset." Vomit.

I disagree. I think imagination- challenged people should make it clear that they will bore the shit outta you from jump. Plus, ads packed with dull clich鳠free me up to move onto the next one. And let's not forget about the smug sense of superiority these tedious ads inspire!

Do not, repeat, do not post pictures of yourself with ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands or of you in a bridesmaid's dress (those are never that flattering, anyway). If you don't know why, you deserve to stay single.

Do women really do that? I mean, the ex shot is a no-no for either gender, but are there really women out there who want people to see them in a bridesmaid's gown? Even the worst driver's license photo has to be better than you wrapped in some fluffy mauve atrocity specifically designed to make you look like crap. Good lord.

Do not post pictures of your pug or Siamese cat unless you too are in the picture. As cute as your little babies are, men want to see you, not a kitty with red eye.

Again, who are these dames?

Do not say you'd really like to get to know someone, if all you want to do is trade e-mails.

This is a common complaint from the guys. Tons of my male friends have had this experience. I don't get it. Who needs an e-mail buddy? I need dick! Erm, I mean a satisfying, mutually respectful adult relationship. . . .

Don't be so goddamned picky. So what if a guy lives 10 miles further or is two years older than your ideal range? You wouldn't want to be excluded because you are five pounds heavier than what some lothario wants, right?

That's right!

Don't say you are sensual or highly sexual unless you can really grind it out all night. (Or unless you are willing to learn!) And don't complain when you get e-mails (and repeated e-mails) from every screwball from here to Qatar.

"Grind it out all night" is my new favorite phrase! And yeah, mentioning your propensity for blow jobs will definitely up the freak factor. I may or may not know this from experience.

For God's sake, knock it off with the Ulysses-length essays about yourself it is the first sign of narcissism. Oh, yes, use spell check and get that subject-verb agreement working. Nothing says White Trash (or any other kind of trash) like spelling "sense" as "sence"and apparently not knowing the difference. And, remember, "conversate" and "skinded" are not words.

Wait a minute"conversate" isn't a word?

My word! Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
comments powered by Disqus