Horoscopes

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

An insane plethora of meaningless awards ceremonies abounds out there, celebrating numerous ridiculous nonachievements with unwarranted pomp and glee. So it galls you when anyone (including you) does something truly good and gets virtually no recognition, and, certainly, no trophy. It may be hard to tolerate all the hollow, hearty backslapping out there, in light of what you (and few others, apparently) can see. Still, I suggest you bite your tongue. You're doing the good you do because it's good, not for credit or congratulations. Besides, demanding recognition is only likely to make you (and your generous deeds) look miserly. Be patient. You'll get the limelight you deservejust not right away.

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Once upon a time, some people felt they could achieve instant hipness (or at least trendiness) by piercing their genitals, going bisexual, or starting their very own dot-coms. You weren't one of them. For ages, you've been manifesting your own quiet version of cool without even trying. Finally, certain heretofore-oblivious folk are taking notice, for good or ill. On the plus side, you stand to make more money, get the babe more often, and attract groupies. On the down side, however, you'll have to contend with imitators, lusty hangers-on, and, yes, groupies. Don't waste time longing for a quieter life, or suddenly capitulating to the demands of the masses who now adore you. Just keep doing what you've been doing. Your way works, more or less. Don't spoil it now.

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I read in a tabloid that two of a man's multiple personalities married each other. Let's bypass analysis of that slightly ridiculous premise so we can get to why I mentioned it in the first place. No, you don't have multiple-personality syndrome. But you do possess facets that are so disparate they almost seem like different people. Some of your internal battles are epic. However, two of your strongest drives, which historically have been in opposition, are now open to forging a stable new alliance, thanks to a new person or opportunity in your life. Wed them, already.

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

Lately you've felt as lacking in vocabulary as the family dog. You've tried your damndest to communicate what you've been feeling, nonverbally, but it's not coming across. Whenever you've attempted to actually speak, you've been at a loss for words. Quit panting and wagging your tail. No one's getting it. Part of the problem, of course, is that you can't clearly articulate to yourself what you've been craving. Don't jump the gun and try to convey your vague, powerful longings to those around you until you've figured out precisely what they are. This week, do just that, so next week you can ask for, and get, exactly what you want.

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Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I spent the morning wading through yellow snow. Thanks to a lingering snowfall, the unpleasant truth's become obvious and undeniable: My local park is coated with urine. The evidence is everywhere; just try finding a patch of clear white to step in. Believe me, I'd rather not know. You may identify soon, when you're burdened with an unwelcome load of knowledge you'd rather have denied. It's insufferable because there's really nothing you can do besides resign yourself to it. Still, it's a good exercise in self-control and making choices to maximize your own happiness. You could use this new knowledge to become obsessive-compulsive, or you could shrug, make yellow snowballs, and gleefully throw them at every dog you see.

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Gemini (May 21-June 20)

What a crazy crowd you run in! From your enthusiastic anecdotes, it sounds like on Tuesday your companions are nearly as shifty as a gang of armed back-alley thugs, but by Thursday they're as innocuous and charming as the cast of an old-school Disney cartoon. I'm exaggerating, but my point's still valid. From here, it's obvious: Either your cohorts are all amazing actors who lead fascinating double lives, of which you only get provocative glimpses, or they're all quite normal, and it's your own perception that's fluctuating so wildly. Give those around you the benefit of the doubt this week. The distorting filters through which you're viewing them are extra thick.

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Cancer (June 21-July 22)

My phone's been ringing all day, but I can't be bothered to find it, let alone answer it. I hear it ringing faintly somewhere, probably in yesterday's pants pocket. You'd do well to imitate my antisocial behavior every once in a while. There's such a thing as being too connected. Since it's virtually impossible for you to leave a ringing phone unanswered, I suggest you turn off the ringer often this week. Voice mail exists for many reasons; right now its primary purpose is to give you a much-needed break from having to answer (and cater) to others' emotional requirements. Let it do its job while you do yours: Take care of yourself.