Horoscopes

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Appreciate what you've got. Quit whining and griping about what's missing from your big picture, and show all those surprisingly generous people who've been devoting their time and energy to trying to make you happy, supported, and well taken care of that you've actually noticed their munificence. They're due a little thankfulness, not crankiness. If you don't spill a little gratitude, you may end up having the tables turned, and you'll be on your knees instead of the pedestal you've enjoyed of late. In other words, if you bite the hand that feeds you this week, chances are you'll end up licking the boot that kicks you.

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Don't talk shit. The temptation is powerful, given that you've just discovered how often you'll receive the benefit of the doubt, because of all the time you've put in being reliable and trustworthy. Considering the prizes to be won through bluffing and trash talk, I can see how it'd be hard to resist. For your own karmic sake, please defy those temptations and maintain your sterling rep. Hopefully, you won't be as enticed by that bad behavior when I tell you this: Once you're caught in a lie (something that almost inevitably will happen), most of the offers will be retracted, and repayment of every dollar will be required. Is that in any way worth the loss of your dignity and integrity?

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Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Your sarcasm may get the better of you this week, if you're not careful. You're likely to encounter a surfeit of overly earnest folk who are easily offended by your occasionally biting wit, even if only the lightest, most playful nip was intended. So what? You don't need them. But you also don't need them to be offended, especially since your intention was to make them laugh. So choke back your edgiest humor for a week, and spare some tender egos a little bruising. Or don't, and shrug when the thin-skinned ninnies run screaming. It's all the same to me.

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Phew. The aggressive and overcharged influence of Mars is finally about to leave your sign. That planet has made you hurtle in lunatic directions, willy-nilly, just to rid yourself of all that extra energy. And as you know all too well, that random scampering and scuffling has gotten you into trouble more often than not. So the astrological news is mixed: On the one hand, once you're completely rid of that hyper-aggro stimulus, you'll probably have less energy; on the other, you'll possess more time and peace, things you need plenty of, in order to climb out of the deep holes you dug and fell into over the past couple months.

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Aries (March 21-April 19)

Those tender Pisceans had trouble coping, at times, with the chaotic fire lit under their asses by your fierce ruling planet, Mars. But once it slips into the realm of your sign (next week), you won't have any problem taming and integrating the corresponding surplus of energy into your life. You're on a good path right now, so I have faith that even if you speed up, you won't careen wildly off-course but will simply make good time in the right direction. Just to be safe, take this last week, before your gas tank gets filled to the brim with high-octane fuel, to make sure that your maps are in order and you're certain of the route to where you're headed; then relax and wait for the astrological moment when you'll gleefully, without any trepidation, declare, "Full speed ahead!"

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Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I spent the week taking care of nagging little things I hadn't done. These were all easy tasks that had a disproportionate effect on my daily quality of life. In other words, I should have assigned them a much higher priority, given how simple they were and how much better they made things. I was so relieved and surprised about the amazing effort-to-effect ratio that I thought I'd share it with the sign most in need of that tiny kick in the ass according to my astrological calculations, that's you, Taurus. Get out the list, and replace the light bulbs, oil the hinges, and sew the missing buttons you've been neglecting. You'll be glad you did.

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Gemini (May 21-June 20)

A Gemini friend asked me how people would react if I made predictions like, "Don't go out today or a piano will fall on your head." I told him most of them would scoff and do just as they pleased, and the few who couldn't see through the inanity of that kind of prophecy were probably better off staying in anyway. None of those idiots would fall under your sign, thankfully; Geminis are by their very nature too crafty to be beguiled by blanket statements and self-important decrees. Wield your healthy skepticism wisely and often this week, Gem, because it won't steer you wrong.