Advice From a Reader

I recently decided to reactivate some of my online dating profiles and started shopping for the winter season. I realize some of these guys are not thinking when they post their profiles, because they come across as desperate. I have come up with seven things guys should not do in their profiles. Perhaps you can share these and some other tips to help the gents get a date.

Julia

I've written about online dating before, but I'm going to print Julia's guide as a public service. Of course, I will temper it with my take as well. Because, as you should all know by now, I'm always right.

JULIA'S TOP 7 THINGS GUYS SHOULD NOT DO WHILE ONLINE DATING

1. Do not use props in your photos (i.e., nieces, nephews, dogs, cats, cars).

I agree. People who post pics of themselves with kids or pets look like they're trying to appear supersensitive, which makes me supersuspicious. Even more baffling are people who use photos of themselves posing with girl- or boyfriends. What are you thinking? Are you thinking?

2. Do not take the photo of yourself. I am sure you have a friend you can confide in or a neighbor you can pay!

I disagree. If your camera has a timer, you can DIY. I'm way more comfortable posing for myself. Plus, friends are going to get impatient with your incessant do-overs. Note that I said use a timer. Holding a camera an arm's-length away or clicking into a mirror shows a lack of effort. If you don't have a timer, visit a photo booth. Everyone looks better in black and white anyway.

3. Do not put up dorky photos (e.g., ones with silly hats). Girls aren't interested in you looking like a dork (right away).

Again, I disagree. But I have a fatal weakness for dorks. I fell hard for a guy whose photo was of his face covered with electrodes. Another Judy Hall of Famer was a charmer who posed giving the thumbs-up in front of a wall of skulls. Meow! Give me goofball over smoldering any day.

4. Do not tell me you are not a game player or not into games.

What kind of sociopath is going to admit that they're a mind-fucking bastard? None of the mind-fucking bastards I've dated ever copped to it in advance. People who spew crap like this only do so because they think it's what you want to hear. It shows a lack of imagination. This may also be indicative of someone who actually is a playerjust as folks who assure you how side-splittingly funny they are generally aren't remotely amusing.

5. Do not tell me you are looking for a real outdoor extremist (i.e., hike, camp, fish). I enjoy the outdoors, but this sounds like you are looking for your best guy buddy.

Sorry, Juliaonce again, I disagree. If I'm going to be expected to skin fish, climb rocks whilst wearing funny shoes, and paraglide off a mountaintop, tell me from jump so I can direct you elsewhere. There are plenty of broads who actually enjoy this kind of crap, and you'd be better off dating one of them.

6. Do not say that you are athletic and toned if you are not. Really now, how many hours do you spend in the gym?

The same thing goes for women. Nobody likes an ugly surprise. I don't care if a guy has a paunch or a sunken chestI far prefer that to a gym rat. But it's stupid to lie about your appearance, as you're presumably going to see each other in the flesh at some point. Isn't dating humiliating enough without adding a look of horror to the mix?

7. Do not take photos of yourself with your shirt off. I mean, come on. I don't think we really need to see that.

I'm totally with you on this one. I make it a point to wait till the second cocktail before demanding to see nipple.

Do: Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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