Horoscopes

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

In fairy tales, kisses have tremendous power. They're useful for waking sleeping beauties, poisoning lovers, turning frogs into princes, or invoking powerful magicks, both benign and nefarious. All that's the stuff of glamorous myth, right? Wrong, at least lately: There's something of that enigmatic enchantment in your very own lips this week, if you'll but use it. Be careful what you waste your mysterious magnetism on, though. It may be a one-shot deal, and if you blow it on a doughnut instead of the person you want to marry, you'll be kicking yourself for a hundred years.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

At the moment, you're like Marmite, that obnoxious yeast by-product that most Brits treasure and no one else can tolerate. You're the delicious flavor cherished by those for whom it's familiar but sort of revolting for those who've never tried it before. Don't take offense. Those who love you are pleased that no one else knows how amazing you are; that way, they don't have to share you. And those who don't yet know how magnificent you are may regard you as something of an acquired taste they'd like to acquire. Besides, what you're about changes over time. You may be Marmite this week but chocolate next weekand hardly anybody doesn't like chocolate.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

This is a week of white lies. You'll find yourself pressured to tell them, often, in order to shield those you love from truths they're better off not knowing, or at least not knowing from you. Hey, I'm not here to judge you; the vast majority of the time you really do have others' best interests at heart. I'm just worried about that other slim minority of time, when the untruths you speak are actually calculated to protect you, not anyone else. Call yourself on these gray fibs, because when you get caught in them (as you almost surely will), you won't receive forgiveness (so easily attainable for those other well-meaning falsehoods) so much as payback.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Scientists believe they may have just discovered a variety of baleen whale they'd never knowingly encountered before. To be several years into the 21st century and still uncovering a species as big as a whale is a telling indication of how little we yet know. Remember this: Anyone who's got it all figured outand you'll be encountering a lot of these assholes this weekdoesn't know jack shit, and isn't even smart enough to realize that. What you don't know yet is as big as the ocean, at least, and there are some pretty wondrous and humongous things swimming around in there; I personally can't wait until you discover one or two of them, sometime in the next month or two.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Don Eastep entered a Texas chili cook-off contestwith no chili. Instead of preparing his own, he snuck spoonfuls from the 80 other contestants' pots and submitted the resulting mélange as his own unique recipe. He won. Although it pissed a lot of people off in that case, it's still a tactic I recommend for you right now. Borrow essential and coveted qualities from all your nearest and dearest, so you can meet the great demands of this week. Armed with your compadres' best facets, you'll be more than a match for whatever challenges you encounter; you'll win the prize, too.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You're cushiony. I'm not so much referring to your figure as your vibe. Lately, many people have been using you (mostly with your consent or even encouragement) as a buffer between themselves and the world's sharp or hard places. You're good like that, and you're certainly strong enough to shield some of your less resilient friends from those harsh realities, at least some of the time. But don't let them use up all of your bounce, or the next time you take a mild fall (looks like January sometime), it'll hurt way more than it should.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

I was watching a comedic skit on an old Mr. Show in which everyone's inner voices were characterized by an old lady, a biker, a Japanese businessman, and a gay guy. This made me think of you, and how much you need to reject the paradigm of twinhood, especially if you think of yourself as split between your best and worst impulses. The truth is, of course, infinitely more complex, and to know yourself that completely would take all the fun out of it. Still, it's time for you to adopt a new model, in which your various (often contradictory) urges could have voices you listen to (or ignore) without being forced to fit into boxes like "good" or "bad."

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You've got too many keys on your ring. You've locked and unlocked so many hearts that at this point, you're practically a janitor of the soul. Although it fills you with a certain satisfaction to walk around jangling that giant loop of glittering keys, fondly recalling all the times you've used them and what you used them for, please notice that your behavior is preventing any new keys from being added to the collection. It's time to throw a few away, ones that you no longer need or dare use, to make room for a tantalizing handful more. If I haven't been obvious enough: Stop clinging to the past so you can finally unlock the future.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Despite their reputation for often being actors, most Leos actually have a really hard time pretending to be anything they're not. You're so busy being yourselves (amazingly, I might add) that it's difficult for you to disguise or suppress thatand what's the point? Well, there is a point to it this week, believe it or not. By this time in your life, you've realized that as magnificent as you are, you're hardly perfect. In order to invite a teaspoon more of perfection into your life, you need to make your bowl of ingredients look a little less full than it already is. In other words, be humble, modest, and quiet this week. Be a wallflower for once, sweetheart. Just watch what happens. Shh. Just watch.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I've never seen you as close to snapping as you've been on several occasions in the last month. I'm sorry, Virgo. I think everyone assumes that since you're always so pragmatic and together, you're somehow more immune to those breakdown-inducing stresses we all suffer from occasionally. We virtually expect Cancers to explode into nervous histrionics, but when a Virgo coughs up more than a few tears, we're too surprised to react appropriately. Instead of leaping to your aid, we sputter and gasp in amazement, doing you no good at all. So please forgive us, and when your rescuers swoop in, belatedly, this week, graciously accept their support and succorit's better late than never.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Plop a squat, Libra. Pick up a magazine. Why, you ask? You tell me. From here it looks like you're hanging out in the waiting room of your life. I don't know who's supposed to pop out of a little door and tell you it's time for your appointment, time to start actually living life. It's a ridiculous notion, but just in case that person is me, I'm covering my ass. I don't want to be the excuse you use to keep from fully engaging with the world. So put down that Highlights magazine and swing open the door. It's time.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

More than any other, your species has been painstakingly dissected and analyzed. I'm sure you poor Scorpios are sick of being studied so closely; these microscopic inquiries into your character are as annoying as they are invasive. You've done admirably well at preventing yourself from stinging those who seek to scrutinize the inscrutable, but enough is enough. It won't help your reputation, but it will do wonders for your peace of mind: Make an example of the next three people who try to "figure you out." I predict they'll be the last trio of uninvited explorers into the uncharted territory of your sacrosanct soul for a long, long time.

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