Horoscopes

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You're caught in a weird time loop, and you get the shit end of the stick either way. Let's split the week in half so I can explain. During segment one, everything will take twice as long and be twice as boring as it ought to. Basically, a total fucking drag, but you'll be wishing for it when segment two kicks inwhen you're consumed by a veritable hurricane of overwhelming activity. I wish you could mix the twothe devastating excitement of the latter with the tedium of the formerand so achieve a happy balance. But the only place you can do that is in your head, which is exactly what I suggest: Retain the stillnessa virtual eye of the stormfor when the mayhem hits, and endure the dullness before by anticipating the imminent tumult.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You're spicy ginger, sour lemon, and searing hot pepper this weekor you ought to be. Those flavors generally enhance and accent everything on the plate, without dominating it (unless they're employed to excess). Emulate their energy, for what you have to contribute is indispensable, even criticalnothing would taste at all right without your particular flavor. But it's important that you devote your essence to the situation without taking it over. So to sum up: You in moderation is absolutely vital to the success of whatever venture you're involved in; without you, it simply can't succeed. However, if you take it over, the whole thing could be ruined.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Over-share. You simply can't provide too much information. Such will be the shroud of mystery and obfuscation that surrounds you this week that you'll have trouble piercing it, even with extreme candor and persistence. As romantic as that may seem, to play the enigmatic stranger for a week or two, it's totally counterproductive to what you're all about right now. Instead, rip the cloak of corny inscrutability to shreds by simply clueing people in, right from the start: You're as dorky as they are, if not more so. It may not be glamorous, but you're better off this way.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Mail a note to your future self: Write the letter I'll describe, and entrust it to a responsible friend to hold on to and mail to you in exactly one year. In this dispatch, you should describein great detail, covering every aspect of your existencewhere you hope to be at this time next year. Forbid your friend to allow you to edit this letter at any time between now and when you receive it in the mail. You'll find the expectations of your past self have a great power over the effectiveness of your future self, and you'll wind up being far closer to your goals than you ever would've been otherwise.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Don't leap too quickly to absolution this week. This applies both to your wrongdoings and your wrongdoers. A simple "I'm sorry" goes a long way, but it just doesn't cut it right now. The reason: There are things that can be done to repair the damage done by the "sins" committed. Instead of just apologizing for the shit that went down, or accepting an apology, expectboth from yourself and othersthat what was made wrong will be made right. It's the only way to get to the place where being sorry really means anything again.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

A number of years ago, a portion of your heart got completely paved over. We're talking parking lot. The nuclear winters and drought-plagued summers that followed, however, didn't just bake and freeze the ultra-flattened terrain into even more impregnable footing. Instead, they made it buckle and crack. Now, finally, a few hopeful sprouts, totally heedless of the inappropriate season, are pushing their leafy heads through those cracks. Of course, they're so fragile, you could easily kill themmaybe slap another layer of concrete over everything and hold off rich growth for another few years. But if I were you, I'd nourish these tender babies. They're what will feed you in two years time, if you'll let them.

Lately you've felt like poor little Mario in that old-school Donkey Kong video game, dodging barrels and other threats from the ferocious and unreasonable powers-that-be. You are like Mario, only more hapless, because you haven't seen any path to the top where you might toss back some of the shit they're dishing out and have the satisfaction of watching them topple. All that's about to change. I'm not suggesting you're going to find the aforementioned path and be able to wreak sweet, sweet revenge. Unfortunately, if you hold out for that, you'll probably be waiting a long time. However, finding a route out of the game entirely is not only possible this week, it's likely.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your empathy usually feels like more of a curse than a blessing. Your profound ability to identify with others generally means you experience their pain. However, it can also be a source of strength. This week, find someone who's in love, living their dream, healing from an illness, or awakening from a long emotional sleep. Live vicariously through them, validating their experience along the way. It may seem odd at first, but once you've done it, you'll discover it's a win-win for both of you. Also, consequently, someone will be returning the favor for you when you experience one of these happy scenarios for yourself very soon.