Horoscopes

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Authorities are now worried about something absurd and dangerous: pillow bombs on airplanes. They believe that Al Qaeda terrorists are trying to manufacture an odorless explosive material called nitrocellulose that could be smuggled onto flights as the stuffing inside pillows, stuffed animals, and overcoats. This week, the worst threats to your well-being come disguised as the most innocuous things or people you can think of. Suspect everything, especially the things least likely to arouse suspicion. In other words, if it's adorable, squishy, or totally devoid of sharp edges, run for your life. If you can cut yourself against it, however, it's probably more or less safe.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Strip. It's probably too cold to be dancing outside in your skivvies, but you should be as naked as possible, as often as healthily possible, in as many ways as possible. In other words, eliminate as many barriersboth physical and emotional between you and the world as you can. There are times to be cautious and guarded; this isn't one of them. Everything that hits you this week (whether seemingly good or bad) is like sunshine and rain to a newly sprouted plant. It's exactly what you need to grow and blossom. If you shield yourself from it, you'll only stunt your own long-term potential. Instead, embrace it and bloom.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Be careful not to trip this week, because at least half a dozen conniving conspirators are waiting in the wings to kick you while you're down. If you manage not to fall, you'll never see them; they're like cowardly hyenas who'd never dare to face you at your full strength. So watch your step, puff out your chest, and roar a lot. If you can get through the next 10 days without fucking up or being hamstrung, you'll be home free. The craven scavengers hoping to benefit from your failure will scatter and disappear, in search of easier prey.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The bed you've madewhich you now must lie inis a curious mix of comfy and scratchy. This is what you get for hedging your bets. Still, I'm glad you did. Sometimes it's best to put all your eggs in one basket and just hope it works out, but you were smart enough to realize that given your odds, you'd be better off not pinning all your hopes on just one thing. So what's happened is like a storm cloud with both a dark, thunder-filled belly and a brilliantly golden bright side. Brave the weather as you must, but don't focus on it. Instead, concentrate on unfolding the silver lining of your situation until it covers everything. I think you'll find it stretches much further than you expected.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Watch out for the tar pits of your soul. I'm referring to those chasms of seething anger and resentment exposed by the erosive nature of recent events. They're dangerous. There's nothing you can do about their existence, but I suggest you skirt them carefully. Given your current mental state, you might recklessly want to toss a shitload of deadweightboth human and emotionaldown into those black depths, but refrain. You don't want anyone or anything precious to fall into themregardless of how you feel about that person or thing right this secondbecause once they tumble into that mess, you'll never be able to pull them out.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Pretty fucked-up surprises abound this week. You might discover that the girl you've been kissing is your long-lost sister, or your worst enemy is your dad in disguise. Very Luke Skywalker, I know, and the exact scenarios you experience probably won't hit extremes like these. However, examine your most intense relationships this week. I predict that unforeseen (and probably unforeseeable) connections between you and those you love (or hate) could change everything about your interactions for a long time to come. Whether that's good or bad depends on how rigidly attached you are to the old way you two got along (or didn't), and how creative you can be when inventing a new framework for your relationship.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

This is a balls-out party week for you, Taurus, especially the weekend. You're not going to get jack done if you try to buckle down and be efficient or productive. What with your ruling planet, Venus, reveling in the reckless domain of those wandering, lusty Sagittarians, and the full moon showing her round white ass in your sign on the 8th, being on top of work duties is simply not your forte this week. Get the absolute essentials out of the way as quickly as you can, so you can concentrate on things you'll excel at: getting yourself laid, drunk, and a cameo on the next installment of Girls Gone Wild.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Don't overreact. A burst of exceptionally cold emotional weather could have you scrambling into your fur parka and burning your furniture for heat. Your reflexes are on a hair trigger this week. However, if you rush to extremes of self- protection, you won't have anywhere left to go when, say, winter really hits. This cold snap is just a harbinger of things to come. I've no doubt you can handle it, as long as you don't start sweating beneath too many layers now. Just chill out and check yourself before you freak out. There's no need to risk frostbite, but don't overcompensate, either. Your mantra: This is gonna be just fine.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You're not under siege, although we might think so, considering how much time you've spent constructing elaborate defenses of your emotional dwelling. In fact, you've been so busy crafting massive stone walls and deep, monster-populated moats to protect you from purely theoretical attacks (that may never occur), you've neglected to maintain the things that'll shield you from the ambient stresses of life that we all have to deal with, which aren't even specifically aimed at youthe equivalent of freezing rain spilling through a leaky roof and icy drafts creeping in around rattling windows. Chill out on your preparations for an ambush or invasion, and just concentrate on making your inner world someplace worth living.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You're much better live than you are in a photograph or recording. There's something about the way you engage people and enfold them in the warmth and generosity of your spirit that inevitably colors how you're perceived by them, forever. Without the benefit of that special, engaging glow, people might not find you as impressive or beautiful in two dimensions as they do in three. Therefore, insist that anything important you do this week happens in person, instead of online or over the phone. A smile, handshake, or significant look from you, in real time, could make the deal that'd never happen without it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

For all your nervous energy, you also possess an impressive reservoir of patience. Unfortunately, it's drought season, and you won't have your usually limitless quantities of tolerance and serene endurance to draw upon. So don't be too hard on yourself if you become snappish or testy under duress that wouldn't normally make you break a sweat. You've got so much karmic cash stashed in your account that you ought to be forgiven twice over for each and every cantankerous comment you make this week. And you know what? Anyone who doesn't give you the benefit of the doubt isn't worthy of you anyway, so fuck 'em.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Smartass. That's a title you're coming to deserve more and more lately, as you react to most of your life's stresses with sarcastic good humor. It's refreshing, because, to be honest, your unrelenting earnestnessas well-intentioned as it washad begun to drive some of your friends a little insane. We'd all rather take a clever jab in the ribs for our foibles or faux pas than an overly sincere scolding. Embrace the perversity and darkness of your unfolding sense of humor. It's a good thing. However, be aware of this: Once everyone's got an inkling of how well you can dish it out, we'll be expecting you to take it, too.

caeriel@yahoo.com

 
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