I've got a problem. I'm unable to bring my girlfriend to orgasm. She was a virgin before me, so during intercourse the very beginning is

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Girlfriend in a Coma

I've got a problem. I'm unable to bring my girlfriend to orgasm. She was a virgin before me, so during intercourse the very beginning is still painful. After a short while, she loosens up and enjoys it, but she never has an orgasm, though sometimes she does start to get close. She is very insecure about her body, which she thinks is fat, covering it up all the time. I find her amazingly beautiful and sexually attractive. She won't let me perform cunnilingus on her, but when I manage to lick and kiss her inner thighs, she gets quite excited. I want her to be able to enjoy our lovemaking more and start having orgasms. I feel like a complete waste of space because I have not been capable of inducing my love to have an orgasm.

Incompetent Loverboy

The female orgasm can be an elusive beast. Especially when you're young, self-conscious, inexperienced, and trying to have one with another person in the room. From jump, I loved me some hot fuck action, but I still remember my first orgasm during the actual act. Dave the Devirginator and I were rutting away on my parents' hideously ugly green corduroy sofa while the family slept upstairs. This was nothing new, as we'd fuck anywhere and everywhere in that way that only teenagers with no privacy can. But while I'd always enjoyed making the beast with two backs, this particular time I remember being positive I was going to die, because I'd never felt so insanely great before. It was like my brain and body were melting into candy and then exploding, but better. Well, never mind. You know what it feels like. Anyway, after that I was pretty much addicted. (Not in a scary 12-step way, though.) But enough about me and my orgasms. . . .

You need to be gentle with this sweet young thang. The first thing you should do is quit beating yourself up because she hasn't come yet. If she feels like she's letting you down because she hasn't seen Jesus yet, it's going to be even more difficult for her to let go. And she may resort to faking it, God forbid.

Obviously, you should always reassure her that you think she's the most beautiful girl in the world. I encourage you to get specific, but for chrissakes, don't say anything along the lines of "I love the way your little tummy hangs over the top of your jeans." (Even if you do love just that.) If you say that, I can promise you'll never see her cute little tummy again. Say things along the lines of "Damn, you've got beautiful eyes" or just stroke her face and tell her how pretty she is. And not only when you think you might get some. Say it in the grocery store or just after she's gotten out of the shower and is rushing to get ready for work.

Rent some good, mainstream, sexy movies (but not pornosave that for later). My suggestions would be End of the Affair, Betty Blue, Y Tu Mam᠔ambi鮼/I>, and/or Sex & Lucia. I'd also pick up some reading material. You might want to bring over a copy of The Big Bang: Nerve's Guide to the New Sexual Universe (though what's so new about the sexual universe, I don't know). It's written in a casual, whimsical tone by two dames who know their way around an orgasm. Although some of their language can be a bit gag-inducing (nobody's calling my asshole a "starfish"), it's way less hokey than traditional instruction manuals and may loosen her up a bit. Plus, you can read it together and try out all the different positions. For her home-alone work, the goddesses over at Toys in Babeland have just published a user's guide to sex toys, aptly titled Sex Toys 101 (Fireside). You might want to wrap that up and present it to her with a vibrator or two. (My personal recommendation is the Rabbit Pearl, p. 48, or the Pocket Rocket, p. 50.) If she can learn to get herself off, it's more likely you'll be able to work it as well.

But the most important thing the two of you can do is relax. Both of you should quit being so goal-oriented about sex. Every woman can get off; some of us just take longer than others. So enjoy the ride.

Don't beat yourself up. Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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