What to Wear During Butt Sex

Whenever I walk across campus, it amazes me how crazy me and my friends go over girls with tight tops and high skirts, while it seems like the girls have no problem walking by us in our regular "guy gear" (i.e., shirts, shorts, etc.clean and pressed, of course). IT'S FRUSTRATING! What can average guys with average builds wear to turn the tables and get a little attention thrown our way?

Guys Like Attention, Too

You can't even imagine how long I've been waiting for some willing guy to ask me for fashion advice! Fuck the Queer Eye, you're getting the Judes Eye!

The key is to work with what you've got. Don't wear something just because it looks good on your friend. Your buddy might have a stunning ass while you're stuck with a set of flapjacks.

Let's start off with a few fashion don'ts:

1. Say "no" to cargo. You do not need that many pockets. If you do, you should be carrying a bag of some sort. Cargo pants (and that includes variations thereof, such as the cargo short, the cargo clamdigger, et al.) are the trouser version of the fanny pack and should be shunned.

2. Mandals are another don't. Tevas, Birkenstocks . . . I don't care how much they cost or how many of your badly dressed friends wear them, they're ugly. I'm of the belief that men's feet should be covered at all times. I caught a glimpse of my otherwise foxy boxing coach's horny-toed bare feet the other day, which only reinforced this belief. And no, wearing socks under your mandals doesn't make it all right.

3. Unless you're playing the sport, no baseball hats. Ditto for trucker caps: They're fine if you're hauling the big rig, but should be otherwise avoided. Instead, invest in a good haircut. If you're balding, crop it short. Avoid the ironic mullet at all costs.

OK, now that you know what not to do, we can accentuate the positive. Most girls aren't drawn to men rocking tight shirts and teensy shorts, so you're going to have to work a little harder to make an impression. Here are some tips:

1. As far as pants go, Levis are the only acceptable jeans. Not too baggy, not too tight, make sure they fit just right. Gap and Lee jeans tend to make a guy look like he's a middle-aged dad, no matter what his age. Do not ever wear pleated-front trousers. They do not hide your tummy bulge, they make you look like you're wearing a full diaper, backward. Eww.

2. Shoes do make the man. This requires more guidance than I can offer in the space I'm allotted, so I'd advise you to take a stylish female friend along with you on your shopping expedition.

3. Develop a certain sartorial style. Stand out from your fellow students by dressing like a character out of Reservoir Dogs. A smart vintage suit on a college boy never fails to turn this girl's head (see Interpol). Even a nice-fitting pair of jeans and a plain white cotton T-shirt can look great on the right guy (see James Dean).

Let me know how it goes, yo.

Remember me? I wrote you about a year ago, because I was worried that if I let my girlfriend do me with a strap-on, I'd be considered gay. Well, we did it, and I haven't lost my manhood. It's fun, and I think that men are supposed to have their prostate massaged from time to time. I've attached a picture of us doing it, if you are interested.

Oh, and don't take this too seriously, but you can join us if you wantmy girlfriend is very open-minded . . . or you can do me alone.

Wow! Why yes, I do remember your letter. I'm so glad I was able to allay your fears about butt sex with your girlfriend turning you gay. It's these tiny triumphs that mean so much.

Thanks for the kind offer, and thanks even more for the photo evidence! If only all my readers would send in photographs of themselves and their loved ones engaged in rump wrangling and the like, I'd be an even happier gal!

Get up off your butt: Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
comments powered by Disqus