I've been seeing this man for over two months now, and we're totally in love. Our relationship is great; he's generous and kind, and the sex is great. Lately we've been exploring our sexual fantasies. We're trying to be honest and not judgmental about what really melts our butter, but some of his fantasies really don't do it for me. Others make me uncomfortable. It's nothing dangerous or extraordinarily kinky, but they don't do it for me. Are we doomed? Should I just indulge him? In comparison, my fantasies don't seem all that out there. Is this a gender issue or a personality difference? Do all guys have bizarre fantasies? And if a guy does have an unusual sexual motivator, does regular sex bore him? I like to try new things and I want to keep him "coming" back for more, but there's nothing wrong with the hot and heavy standard, right?
Fantasy Girl
How can you write me a letter about disturbing sexual fantasies and then not even include one or two for our titillation!?! That's just not fair! Really! Visions of nipple clamps and golden showers are dancing through my head, but we could be talking light bondage and spanking for all I know. You've given me very little to work with here, sister, but I'll do the best I can.
I don't think this is a gender issue at all. Plenty of women have out-there fantasies, and really, who's to say what's "out there"? Not I. I dated a guy who liked his nipples played with during sex, and some previous girlie of his had told him he was "really weird." Hardly.
As long as his fantasies don't cause you unwanted pain or seriously creep you out (like infantilism would me), I'd give 'em a go. Half the fun of fucking someone you love is watching them get off. If he wants a French maid outfit, instead of focusing on how retarded you feel wearing a frilly apron and speaking in a stupid accent, just watch how happy he looksand how big a boner he has for you in your ridiculous outfit. Make sure you switch it up a bit: One time you put a finger up his ass; the next, he pulls your hair and calls you "Mommy."
You guys have only been together two months! You say you're "totally in love," but c'monyou hardly know each other. You're really "totally in lust!" Which is why you're writing me instead of talking to him. You should be having this conversation with the guy you're wearing the straitjacket and sitting in a bowl of Hershey's syrup for. Good luck!
Why are so many men clueless about how women's bodies work and how to please a woman sexually, while most women seem to have an intuitive feel for men's bodies and excel at pleasuring the men in their lives?
As an older woman, I know this isn't just a function of a man's age, maturity, or experience. Men of all ages are prone to this. Let me put it this way: Sharing knowledge with a new partner is sexy; having to teach the basics to men who should already know them can be a big turn-off.
While many woman I know educate themselves about sex and sexual matters, men seem less inclined to pick up a book and refresh their memories or learn something new, sexually speaking. Why is this?
Jill
A man who sucks in bed sucks because the woman (or women) there before you didn't educate him. Instead of saying, "Hey, that's a clitoris, not a light switch," she moaned softly till he was done and jerked off by her lonesome later. I've been guilty of this. I lived with someone who was a terrible kisser. I tried to teach him how to kiss: I smooshed his face around and showed him how I wanted it to be, but I never came out and said, "You're a rotten kisser"and he never got better. I felt kind of bad about this until he ended up cheating on me.
Men are delicate creatures when it comes to the sexual critique, so choose your words wisely, but speak up. And also, I've had some pretty amazing sex over the last six months, so keep trying 'em out.
Want wise words? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
