Tit Talk

Just over the weekend, I discovered the power of my boobs.

I recently broke up with my long-term boyfriend and felt like I needed to get out of the house and flirt. I wanted to wear something that would make men flock to me, so I went out and bought a bra that was two sizes too small. I also added some inserts and HOT DAMN!

Pow! Bang! Boom! They were sitting on a shelf, and it looked like I had a bubbly baby's butt on my chest!

Now that I was equipped with my new superhuman boob power, I was ready to go out and shake my ass, er, boobs. My friends picked me up at my house and couldn't stop looking at my chest. I knew it was going to be a good night.

We got to the club, and every man's jaw dropped. I felt like they wanted me to nurse them. I didn't spend any money on drinks that nightthat's the true power of the boob. Men aren't faking a thing with methey can be smart, business savvy, confident, etc., but when it comes to the power of the boob, they're all potential man-slaves. (Cue evil laugh.)

Uswoomoon

Ah yes, the breast. . . . You are correcteven men who'd never describe themselves as Tit Men collapse prostrate at the Altar of the Wonderbra. The Girl of Date rocks a modest B-cup, yet shown off to their full advantage, the two are powerful weapons.

I conducted an experiment with my personal ad. One version was a supercute head shot. I got a few responses. But when I swapped it with a cleavage pic, my response rate more than quadrupled. I wasn't cuter or younger or skinnier in the second ad, the only difference was that you could see a little line of cleavage. To make sure it wasn't just a fluke, I convinced a friend in another city to do the same. And sure enough, suddenly she was catnip.

But be warnedbreasts aren't all- powerful. A month or so back, I was attempting a seduction and wore a push-up bra and a shirt that, though loose fitting, you could see right down the front of. Especially if you were my 6-foot-4-inch date. It was the perfect outfit because it was covertly sluttynot tight or cut down to my navel, but you could definitely get a look at what I was packing. Paired with a very short skirt that showed off the legs to optimum advantage, it was the perfect sly seductress look. Or at least it was until my date proved uncooperative. All that effort and he refused to fuck me! I was so frustrated, the evening ended with me standing on a street corner in the rain howling, "But lookyou can see down the front of my shirt!"

I never said I was cool.

So realize the limitations of your boobs. They will garner you free drinks and loads of male attention, but they will not necessarily bring you true love. (Or even a good rut.) Use your powers sparingly and responsibly. You have a gift. Don't squander it.

Dear Dategirl,

Can you give me any insight as to why some men think they are such total catches that they run scared at the mere thought of commitment? Do guys not understand that we are giving up just as much as they are by committing to them?

A Thoroughly Confused Woman

As I have no clue and am similarly stymied, I think this would be an apropos moment to solicit opinions from the men out there. Gentlemen, please enlighten Confused and me as to why the thought of limiting your action to one woman is so terrifying. The aforementioned man dumped me the other night with this quote: "The problem is, we're extremelyboth physically and personalitywiseattracted to each other."

Now, in the Dategirl Book of How to Be, attraction is generally considered a good thing. However, in the warped mind of this demented whippersnapper, it was more akin to an emotional bogeyman just waiting to sap him of his lifeblood. And he is not alone. So it is up to you men to explain. Confused and I will be waiting with bated breath for your answers.

Got answers? Write Dategirl at dategirl@ seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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