Pullin' a Clinton: A How-To

I'm a 27-year-old woman about to leave my job. There's a 21-year-old intern at the company who's just adorablelike a little puppy, all happy and youthful. I figure since I'm leaving, why not take a shot at him? I have no idea how open he would be to the idea. He's always chatty and smiling when I talk to him, but it may be that is just his personality.

Here's the rub: He lives with his parents, and ironically so do I. (It's just until AugustI'm moving several states away for grad school.) I have no idea how to take a shot at him in this situation.

I haven't had any "playtime" in over two years (unemployment, moving, living with the 'rents all put a damper on my social life), so I'm sure that's why I'm salivating over this little scamp. I work in a small, conservative town, and there's also a 26-year-old "Young Republican" elected official I often think about hitting on on my way out of town. (He's a bit more flirty, but I think that's because he's a politician.)

So, got any advice for me on trying to score with either prospect before I hitch up to the "big city"? Should I just keep my legs crossed for a few more months and hope there will be single, hot grad students in my program?

"Hillary" Clinton

Though God knows I've tried to convince our local universities to send over some fresh young man-meat, I mean interns, to Dategirl HQ, they keep turning me down. Predictably, Republicans are an equally unknown quantity. Since I'm so shockingly in the dark on these matters, I forwarded your query to my old pal "Monica," a political reporter in our nation's capital who has hung with Republicans and bedded her paper's interns on many occasions. Here's what she had to say:

First, "Hillary" should leave nothing to chance. Planning is key! Particularly since venue is an issue. A car would be OK, but if that's not a possibility, she should have some secluded public spot in mind (like a park or stairwell) or set up with a friend in advance for the use of an apartment. Leave nothing to chance and leave nothing to the kidthey are clueless.

As for the seduction part, that's easy. Since she's leaving town, she has a built-in excuse for a special "goodbye" evening. She should suggest her innocent little quarry join her for drinks after work (again, planning ahead, but making it all seem spontaneous so the quivering little child isn't scared off).

Of course, announcing hunger pangs after one drink immediately leads to a dark booth at a semi-nice restaurant (scouted in advance; no waiting around for a table, please, because that's a buzz-kill). Here, the seducer pays for everything. This gambit allows for the ordering of a bottle of wine, which the intern would never think of and probably couldn't pay for on his own, but will be consuming most of (the young can still perform after gallons of alcohol). If necessary, she should lie and say the evening will be expensed. This will take his mind off his puny salary and lack of consequence.

At this point, it's vital that Mrs. Robinson feign a burning interest in all of the intern's little hopes and dreamsget him talking about friends, career issues, etc. She shouldn't make the mistake of talking about her very real, grown-up problems with the little work larva! It will only frighten him and wake him up to the fact that he is still a child who knows nothing of this world. She must make him feel important and interesting, even if he's not. It will be worth it later.

After he's sufficiently lubricated, sex talk will inevitably follow. This should be pursued with gusto.

Our gal must accept and be at peace with the fact that she will probably have to make the first move. It might not come to that, but when an older lady seduces an intern, she cannot hope to rely on age-blind gender stereotypes. Since he is already mentally composing his letter to Penthouse Forum, it's probably going to fall to her to grab and plant one on him.

Again, this is where planning is key. Any woman with an ounce of dignity can't leave it up to some stupid kid to figure out where to go to do the deed. He will have her running around all night in a cab, knocking on friends' doors for the use of the couch. No. She must plan the place ahead and suggest it assertively. By then he'll be so keen to close the deal, he won't even question it.

And for God's sake, she should bring condoms. He is too stupid to have any with him, and stopping to buy some will ruin the mood completely. She needn't worry about looking like a sluthe's just some stupid kid. He'll think he hit the jackpot.

As for Republicans and flirtatiousness it can go either way. Some Republicans are so immoral it would make Bill Clinton blush (these are known as "fiscal conservatives" or "the Christian right"), while others are just big teases because they want to get with the kooky girls but fear the effects on their future political careers.

Again, alcohol is key. Republicans drink like fish. Two shots of tequila ought to sort that little Nazi out, either way.

Happy hunting.

Like 'em young? Write Dategirl at dategirl@ seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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