Let me start by saying that my best friend and I love you and want to take you to lunch.
Now, on to the question. I am recently dating again after my divorce, and I have noticed a curious phenomenon that I don't remember from when I was dating 15 years ago. These are guys that I am meeting online: They make the initial contact, actively pursue me, give every indication of having romantic feelings for me, but as soon as I show that I'm feeling something for them, they disappear. My best friend says that, as game-y as it sounds, I should act emotionally and physically hard-to-get until the guys actually fall in love. I hate that dishonesty, and anyway, it's just not my style. Is it true that guys just love the chase, or am I running into an abnormally high number of guys that just can't commit to anything?
I hope you have some good advice for me . . . I'd really like to change my luck.
Not Playing by "The Rules"
I love lunch! Can I order anything I want? Can we have cocktails? How about dessert? I love me some dessert!
As for your problem, I soooo hear ya, sister. The only problem is, I haven't a clue as to what to tell you because we are currently floating along in the same boat. In fact, my personal ad spells out that I will tell potential paramours if I like them and warns them that if they're looking for a mind-fuck, they should keep looking. One wouldn't think this would be a defect in the merchandise, but sadly it is. I just spent the last week or so dating the hell outta this foxy microbiologist. I told him up front about this problem of being too blunt, and he scoffed at itassuring me that only assholes would be bothered by someone saying what's on their mind. Three dates into it we sealed the deal. Four days later have I heard from him? Answer: Nope. And it wasn't like I did anything scary like confessing my undying love or asking him what we should call our first child. I just told him I was looking for some friendship along with the hot booty action.
It's all very depressing. In the past 10 months I have dated over 20 (!!!) different men, many of them more than once. Five of them seemed very promisingwe went out a few times, I had sex with a couple, yet here I am 10 months later, sitting home alone, wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
My friend Jane swears it's because of the disposable nature of Internet dating. It's too tempting for men because there's always someone new they can access with ease. She assures me that all the men on there are only after sex, but I hold that that's what most men are after no matter where you meet 'em anyway, so what's the diff.
All I can suggest is that we maybe try refining our approach. A friend of mine's mom always advised her "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen," and I'm beginning to think that's the answer. Perhaps instead of saying something like "Hey, you're a fox!" I should practice smirking mysteriously. Maybe when you feel like revealing something like you've never seen as perfect a penis as the one they possess, you should light a cigarette instead. I guess instead of enthusiastically answering the phone on the first ring, we should let it go to voice mail and then wait weeks to return the call.
But really, do we want to become the type of dame who pulls shit like that? I think not. Sure, we could try acting all distant and freaky-deaky and see how that works for us, but how are we supposed to respect someone dumb enough to fall for an act like that? I'm sorry, but it seems like we're just screwed. We just have to have faith that somewhere out there, there are two men waiting for two loudmouthed straight-shooters to come into their lives. But until then, at least we can order whipped cream on our dessert without worrying about what we look like naked.
Keeping the faith? Write Dategirl at dategirl@ seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.