March 1925, 2003

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Ownership is a screwy concept amongst you Rams. Almost without realizing it, you start thinking that you own things like your lover's genitalia or your dog, or kids. Legalities aside, you at best have these things on a multiyear, renewable lease; in other words, they're only "yours" as long as you make your payments and keep them in good shape. In these and most cases, those disbursements don't involve money; they're about care, attention, and affection. Don't take anything for granted. You're behind on your paymentsyou might want to write a big check this week to fend off any outside claims.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Soccer, when I was 8, was a daunting experience; I was terrorized by the prospect of getting hit in the face by the ball. Consequently, that happened to me more than to anyone else on the team. I didn't know it, but I was unconsciously manifesting exactly what I feared. By cringing and hesitating instead of unflinchingly approaching the ball, I positioned myself perfectly to get nailed in the face when a bolder player kicked it. You are just like my preadolescent self: You're setting yourself up for exactly what you most dread. Don't ignore or repress your fear. Instead, bravely run toward it and kick it as hard as you can.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You're an old-school clipper ship with its sails furled. You're the picture of stately elegancebut you're hardly moving. Your destinations still lie out of sight, over the horizon. Shouldn't you consider releasing some of the tradition you've been clinging to? Yes, your classy wood and canvas design is timeless and lovely, but won't you consider adopting methods and materials you consider cheap and trendy (like fiberglass and plastic), if they'll get you closer, faster, to where you want to go? You're stubbornly holding yourself back for no good reason I can see. Don't worry, your reputation for solidity won't be diminished; it'll simply be accented by your newfound practicality and effectiveness.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your heart is sometimes as unfaltering, patient, and thorough as a pointer, one of those dogs who'll find his hunter's prey, stand perfectly still, and wait for it to be flushed. You'd like to forget the game fallen by the wayside after your recent unwilling depredations, but something inside you is quietly insisting that you notice what you've done and do something about your victim. What you do is up to you. The way I see it, you could try to prevent its death or eat it and make its bones into jewelry. It's your call.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leos are all about creative self-expression. Consequently, they often end up jacks-of-all-trades and masters of few, one, or, occasionally, none. Besides writing, I've sung, acted, danced, played half a dozen instruments, sculpted, quilted, knit, etched, inventedall in an effort to discover the clearest conduits between my soul and the world. It's good to aspire to be the bestand lucky when you actually can be. But sometimes you have to settle for second or 12th or worstand be happy that you haven't given up on being understood. That's a big lesson for Leos to learn: It's OK to do things you're not amazing at. You can't be brilliant at everything, and confining your activities to only the handful you're incredible at would be sad and everyone's loss, not just your own.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You're more likely to be called high-strung than hotheaded, but not this week. Your temper's liable to be the most visible part of you. Since you're wearing it outside your skin, take care to avoid situations that will irritate and inflame it. You're more sensitive than an albino without sunblock in midsummer. You're prone to burn, badly, and unless you want to spend the next few weeks dealing with disgusting blisters and peeling leftovers of your anger, I suggest you do what our melanin-challenged friend would do: Stay out of the sun as much as possible. Avoid situations that will incite your rage. Sip lemonade in the shade, darling. You'll be back to your usual resilience and levelheadedness next week.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Venus' current placement, in Aquarius, is probably the second best spot (other than occupying Libra) for your lovely ruling planet to reside in, as far as you're concerned. There, she's able to lend you focus and decisiveness, and uncover a brilliance that's often obscured by your tact and famous broad-mindedness. It's hard to be as sharp as a tack when you're open as wide as a barn door. That's not a critique, exactly; it's more of a plea for inner diversity. Since your forte this week is to be opinionated and insightful instead of understanding and tolerant, don't worry about offending anyone or stepping on anyone's toes. Speak your mind, and step where you will.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Darker is always easier than lighter, if you're painting. You can add a tiny amount of pigment to a gallon of eggshell with dramatic effect, but try lightening a darker color; it's virtually impossible, no matter how much white paint you add. You're like a can of rich, deep burgundyand you've spent the whole past week trying to be pink! Stop diluting yourself for everyone else's benefit. It's a huge waste of resources and energy, not to mention its frustrating ineffectiveness. Instead, go with what you know, and are. There's something special about the depth and concentration of your soul's particular shade. Don't mess with it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Sagittarian Sin顤 O'Connor's pinnacle of fame came over a decade ago when she expressed the sentiment I'd like you to embrace this week: "I do not want what I haven't got." Biblical commandments aside, you would do well to not covet anything this week, as it can only get you into all kinds of trouble. Besides, your life is pretty good right now. You're the luckiest character I know. Isn't wanting more just a little selfish? Save the egoism for later, or never. Be happy for everyone you'd otherwise envy, and appreciate what you've got instead of harping on what's missing.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Drag racing is hardly a Capricornian forte. It's hard to convince someone as levelheaded and foresighted as you are to engage in such recklessness. And assuming someone succeeds in arousing your competitive nature, you're both amazing and terrible: You always either win or crash. Be wary of anything that looks like a game of chicken this week. In fact, do more than be wary. Let me supplement your usual caution with this caveat: Steer clear of the whole thing. Even if you plan to jump out at the last minute, a miscalculation could have you still flooring the pedal as you sail over the cliff.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The presence of the lovely planet Venus in your sign lends those shifty Libras a little staying power and mental acuity; it has almost the opposite effect on you astute Aquarianssoftening your edges and giving you such a visceral appreciation of luxury and sensuality that you become downright ditzy. So what? You're sharply insightful and judiciously critical all the time. Isn't it boring to be so consistently capable and intimidating? Be a sweetly babbling idiot this week. Take bubble baths, blow bubbles, enjoy bubble butts, be bubbly. We'll all feel better about ourselves, and so will you.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

It's like you ordered a steak and got the mashed potatoes, the fat, and the parsley garnishbut no actual meat. Or you went to get a shiatsu massage, and someone just had her shih tzu walk around on your back. A part of you forgiving Pisceans is inclined to simply accept these things and look at their bright sides: "The meal was healthier without the meat, and those potatoes were rich and creamy," or, "The dog's paws felt kind of good, and it was really cute." Screw that. Every shitcloud has a silver lining, but focusing on it in this case verges on autism. If you get screwed this week, notice it, goddamnit, and make some noise until the situation is rectified.

 
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