I've said it before, and I'll keep on saying it until it hurts: The thought of socking Channel 9 right in the jaw excites me. I can't help myself. We're a dangerous couple, KCTS and I. Despite our mutual mistrust, we can't seem to stay away from each other for very long. We have one of those tough, sexy, James M. Cain kind of relationshipsI hate the station, yet I can't get her out of my head; and just when I think my abuse may have gone too far, she pouts her lips in my general direction and moans, "Hit me, Steve. Please, hit me."
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Needless to say, it's pledge drive time againor should I make that "still"?and the broad is up to her same sordid tricks. She's dangling twinkly spokespeople in front of me, and they're getting all warm and wet about the 1,436th broadcast of Judy Collins screwing up the words to "Both Sides Now" in an octogenarian folk-music tribute so sleepy it could cut into sales of Ritalin. And, damn, what's an ordinary Joe to do when taunted by the torments of Daniel O'Donnell, an omnipresent Irish yahoo who is nothing more than a butch Barry Manilow with a brogue? (On the KCTS Web site, the description of the latest airing of Daniel O'Donnell and Friends reads, in part, "Daniel dons his leather outfit to sing popular tunes like 'Daydream Believer,' 'Sweet Caroline,' and 'Is This the Way to Amarillo.'" Jesus, Anne Murray could kick this guy's ass.)
What really has me stewing about my old lady this time, though, is what a tramp she's become. Yeah, that's righta tramp. She'll get on her back for the highest bidder, I'm telling you. KCTS supposedly has the world of culture at her fingertipssomething she brags about all during her pleas for me to give her moneyand what is she airing in order to con me into believing her high-toned hooey? Infomercials. She's helping hucksters sell their wares and then asking me to pay for it. Here's author and "financial expert" Jonathan Pond live in the studios to keep an eye on my checkbook. And there's author and financial expert Suze Orman returning to blather on about her "unique approach to finances" in The Laws of Money, the Lessons of Life. And, oh, Dr. Nicholas Perricone, "adjunct professor" (?) at Michigan State University, is here for Healthy Aging: The Perricone Prescription to tell me how to keep younginformation that, coincidentally, is available in a book of the same name. Missed any of Perricone's fascinating take on wrinkles when it aired March 2, 3, 5 or 9? Never fearit'll also be on March 12, 17, 20, 25, and 26. Oh, Channel 9 will claim it's all about human health and welfare and blah blah blah. But I know her better than that.
If anyone out there reading this lament hears my cries, head on over to www.kcts.org, click "Contact Us," and bust her a good one. "We want to hear from you," she says coyly on the site. See? She loves it.