How Not to Be: Part IV

I was having lunch with my pal Susan a few days ago, regaling her with tales of the last freak show I'd dated. He and I had gone out a couple times, when he pulled a move that won him a permanent spot in the Dumbass Hall of Fame. See, this guy thought it would be a swell idea to blind cc me on an e-mail he sent to an ex-girlfriend, detailing the wank dream he'd had about her the night before. Besides describing the load he had lobbed into a "tissue cunt" (his description, not mine), he went on to tell her (and me) about all the myriad girls he'd been seeing. Among them, me.

In a tizzy of completely illogical logic, he had foolishly reckoned that reading this retarded little missive would get me hot and bothered and make me want to fuck him senseless. Erm, no. If anything, it made me want to beat him senseless.

At first Susan looked horrified, but then she shook her head sadly and told me that she's spent a lot of time wondering what it was about me that brought out such psychosis in men. She informed me that things like this didn't happen to other girls and that I seemed to be existing under a cloud that inspired bad behavior. It got me to thinking, and for a few days I was pretty bummed about this revelation. I blew off the few dates I'd lined up and hibernated. I'd always been aware that my body was host to an extremely strong Jackass Magnet, and God knows, I've tried to disable it on many different occasions, but I never thought I was the only one this kind of thing happened to.

Then my friend Michelle called. Now Michelle is one of my hottest friends. Men swoon at her feet, but she also has a man track record that's almost (almost!) as freak-filled as mine. Just a few minutes on the phone with her always makes me feel less weird. Especially after she told me this story: She'd set a friend of hers up with a guy she'd gone out with once. The friend (we'll call her "Jill") and the dude (we'll call him "Travis Bickle") went out a few times and seemed to be hitting it off. Until he showed up for their fourth date with J-I-L-L tattooed across his knuckles!

Michelle felt a little bad because she'd facilitated the fix-up, but I think we both felt relieved and pleased that for once it hadn't happened to us. Anyway, just wanted to share. Now, on to problem solving. . . .

Dategirl,

I need you to teach me how to get along without a man. I want someone to talk to. I want to have a conversation that goes past sex. BUT I MUST FIND OUT HOW I CAN HAVE AN ORGASM !!!!!!!!

Frustrated

Hi Frustrated!!!!!!!!

1. Purchase vibrating personal-pleasure appliance.

2. Following instructions, either install batteries or plug into wall.

3. Locate clitoris.

4. Apply said appliance on or in close proximity to clitoris. Vary pressure and placement according to pleasure.

Having a few self-inflicted orgasms under your belt will probably go a long way toward calming you down (because in case you haven't noticed, you need to chill out and QUIT TYPING IN ALL CAPS!). As for how to get along without a man, well, that's easymake like Nike and Just Do It. Girlfriends are generally better to talk to than boys anyway. I'm a little puzzled as to why you'd want a conversation that goes beyond sexafter all, what's more interesting than the beast with two backs? But if you're hell-bent on yapping about something else, get some outside interests and discuss. There you goproblems solved.

Dear Judy,

If none of your guy friends are interested in you, then they are either gay or past their prime or you are unattractive. Guys always want to have sex with an attractive girl.

Jesse Sessoms

Thanks for clearing that up, but you're wrong. Most straight boys will have sex with anything that pees through hair. Look aroundugly people get laid all the time. Not that I'm, um, ugly or anything. . . .

Fed up with freaks? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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