Purple Mountain Majesties

"These young men and women are out there fighting for our freedom," says Aaron Gordon, the president of DirectLink Media Group. "They deserve any kind of support we can give."

Gordon represents FreePornForOurTroops.com, an Internet site promising "Free XXX videos & DVD for military personnel, past and present, as our way of saying Thank You!" Though nowhere on the site does anyone appear to be checking military IDs, Gordon will allow any brave soldier to ride into battle with up to 500 VHS or DVD skin flicks—all you need pay is "the nominal shipping and handling." (The nominal shipping and handling on 500 copies of freedom-fighting porn, by the way, comes to $2,979.) Rest easy if you've been nervously worrying that our troops won't be inspired enough to masturbate. No international crisis is great enough to prevent the United States from moving some units, as it were.

If the site's Top Ten Titles list of best-selling videos is any indication, the freedom for which our troops will be fighting is far more complex than the bright-toothed, milk-drinking, Ozzie & Harriet version of the universe that we're usually sold. Gordon's America is the randy, laid-back, open-minded America that doesn't get talked about in State of the Union addresses. You won't find Ozzie & Harriet amongst the big sellers here, of course, although, come to think of it, you may find Leave It to Beaver.

The Top Ten list is fine proof of our nation's diversity, in fact, and should carry us right through the conflict. How could it not stir any patriotic soul to see the Great American Melting Pot represented by Badass Black Babes and Asian Imports (at No. 3 and No. 9, respectively)? And while "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" may be the country's official position on homosexuality, no one ever said "Don't Watch," which may be the excuse for soldiers overseas who choose to continue the popularity of gay-themed epics: Men Who Are Starved for Sperm swallows up the No. 4 position, while Banging in Blue Jeans is bringing up the rear at No. 10. (We should mention No. 6 title-holder, I Bang My Husband in the Ass, as a related end note.)

I could go on and on singing the list's praises as the alternate U.S.A., the nation I'd like President Bush to remember he's defending whenever he gets that sanctimonious look on his face that suggests we're all huddling in fear behind our white picket fences. Gordon's nation is clearly unburdened with the issues stirring up mainstream media: How compelling are the lifestyles on The Real World when you can just as easily experience Real Life Trannies (No. 2)? Wherefore the hullabaloo over Rosie O'Donnell's sexuality with Lesbian Extreme so comfortably ensconced at No. 7? And don't get me started on Midgets 2, which has yet to make the top 10 but will surely have millions of servicemen pulling for the little people. This is the country I'd like saved, dammit, and these are the freedoms upon which I'd like to see no terrorist hands.

March on, Mr. Gordon!

swiecking@seattleweekly.com