Oh, Ryan Adams, how we heart you. DOON already adored your amazing ability to fill our column inches with minimal effort, but this time, you've truly topped yourself. As of last week, the man with no inner monologue and the 2-millimeter-thick skin has officially started a rumble with none other than former good buddy (and Very Special Friend of DOON) Jack White. Apparently, the friendship went sour when Jack learned Ryan was altering the lyrics of some White Stripes songs he'd been covering in concert. Not only does Adams call White a "little girl" and a "fucking ponce," he alleges that he turned down the role in the Jude Law/Nicole Kidman epic Cold Mountain that eventually went to White instead. Says Adams: "What a fucking movie star. I don't have a problem with him—he started it. I know that's what you say in school. But what he's doing on the Internet, seeing what's being said [ed. note: um, pot paging kettle], saying, 'I see you changed my lyrics'—I mean, shit, I get to shop at 40 or 50 more stores for clothes than that guy does. Think of the limitations. Just buy him a gallon of red paint. I don't fucking get it. Whatever. . . . " But wait, there's more! "I don't really have a problem with him. Good luck to him in Romania. It's supposed to be freezing. He must be hating it. You know, they asked me if I wanted that movie role, and I turned it down. [Director] Anthony Minghella asked me first. I was up for the part first, and I turned it down. You know why? Because I didn't see acting anywhere on my job application to be a rock fucking star, you know. It's true. That's fucking fact. I turned it down because we were touring anyway. I was wanting to tour and do this acoustic thing. And they said, 'Well, you can come to Romania, and we'll pay you anyway, and you can have three or four lines, and you get to play a banjo made out of a pumpkin.' I'm like, 'Fuck you, man.' I make that money in two gigs. Put it this way—it didn't seem
specifically that much to me. And it's three fucking lines. Three lines in a two-and-a-half-hour film. I'd rather get a gun and blow my eyeball out. And you got to go freeze your ass off. You do get to hang out with Nicole Kidman, which isn't bad. But it's not like she'd be going—so tell me about your life. She's fucking Nicole Kidman." Snap! Jack has yet to respond, though his spokesperson has said that if he does, it will be in private. . . . Celebrity rumble, part II: Kelly Osbourne pulled out of a festival gig in Australia last week when she learned that archenemy Natalie Imbruglia was also on the bill. Kelly, who has infamously and repeatedly called Natalie a word that rhymes with "bunt," due to a pre-Osbournes-fame incident, also told the local Herald Sun, "She's a twat. I have no intention of talking to her or saying anything to her. It's not as if I'm out to get her—she does her thing, and I do mine. To be honest, to me she doesn't really exist." Natalie's succinct reply: "Kelly who?" . . . Celebrity rumble, part III: Tommy Stinson vs. Paul Westerberg. Stinson, former Replacements member and current Guns N' Roses bassist, recently told Canadian Web zine chartattack.com: "Axl's a whole lot better to work with. The Replacements stuff we did, I'm still proud of. It's all great, fine, good, all that. But I feel like I'm actually part of a band right now. Paul wrote the songs, we played 'em. But here, we're all writing these songs, we're all fuckin' playing them. I just feel more a part of it. If it's even fuckin' imaginable at all, Paul's got a fuckin' bigger ego than anyone I've ever known. To play with, he's got a bigger ego than anyone I've ever worked with. And he's more self-conscious than anyone I've ever known. Axl doesn't work like that. He's like fuckin' whatever it is he's got with him, he checks it at the door. He comes in and fuckin' gets involved, ya know? That's a way better vibe to make
music with." Fuckin' Paul has not yet fuckin' responded. . . . But GN'R fans did experience a little d骠 vu when the band canceled a gig at Philadelphia's First Union Center. Hundreds of fans reportedly tore through the venue, inciting a riot much like the one that occurred when the Guns canceled their Vancouver tour opener last month. Now MTV is reporting that the remainder of the dates have been officially called off—in other words, the tour is capital-O Over. . . . No riots at Pearl Jam's pre-KeyArena two-night stand at the Showbox, though the critical lack of standing room could have turned ugly. Reports eyewitness Andrew Bonazelli: "'Manifest destiny is the ultimate bullshit revisionist principle,' Steve Earle drawled to a fidgety, ber-sold-out crowd on Friday. PJ likewise gave up on global domination years ago, but held major sway over their devotees during this second intimate 'warm-up' gig. The Ed Ved Five uncorked a 22-song lollapalooza heavily reliant on Riot Act material. Watercooler moments: (a) 'Daughter' evolving first into Edwin Starr's 'War,' then a mike-stand-flinging, frothing anti-Bush tirade; (b) Vedder's solo ukulele second encore of 'Soon Forget'; and (c) calm security preventing blotto white-hats from igniting a pit during 'Better Man.'" . . . If you go on eBay right now through Sunday, you can bid on crap from PJ themselves, as well as Madonna, Paul Oakenfold, the Eels, and Alanis Morissette, all to benefit People for the American Way. . . . Finally our sincere congratulations to Pretty Girls Make Graves' Nathan and Your Enemies Friends' Aska, who are reportedly with child. PGMG member J will pull double duty, subbing in on a joint UK tour for Aska, while she prepares for impending mommyhood back in the good old U.S. of A.
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