Straight Girls Gone Wild!!

Dear Dategirl,

I need your help. I'm a female in my early 30s and never had any sexual attraction toward women before, but now, every time I see a beautiful girl, something inside my vagina moves and turns me on! I also have erotic dreams about my roommate, neighbor, friends, co-workers, even my sister (all females)! What's going on?! I DO NOT WANT to be a lesbian. I have absolutely nothing against them, it's just that I want a common life with a husband and children someday. I also have the most beautiful boyfriend, inside and out. So, how can I make this erotic, stressful feeling go away?!

Bi? No! Confused . . .

B.N.C.,

Who cares if you might be a dyke—I'd be much more concerned about whatever the hell is moving around inside your twat. Images of vagina-bound aliens and gerbils are filling my brain, and really, there's enough sick shit already rattling around my noggin, so let's move on.

Your "problem" is a no-brainer. You wanna get rid of that erotic, stressful feeling—bang a broad (preferably not your sister). Get it out of your system and get on with your life. Shouldn't you have had this idiotic spaz attack during freshman year at college like the rest of us?

My first-ever crush was on a girl. Her name was Renee, and she lived across the street from our house in Rochester, N.Y. I was 5, she was 13. I'd diligently (and somewhat obsessively) stand watch in our yard, just hoping to get a glimpse of her as she left her house. It got so embarrassing (Junior Stalker Alert!) that my mom finally marched me over there and introduced me to my beloved. Renee was a little confused as to why she had to meet this odd little 5-year-old with funny teeth and glasses, but she was very polite. My next crush was Miss Cirito, my second-grade teacher. I recall being fascinated by her hefty, cellulitic thighs, always encased to the bursting point in a pair of shiny, suntan panty hose. I've had crushes on scores of girls since—who cares? Chicks are hot! We've got boobies, soft skin, and nice underwear, and most of us refrain from farting in public whenever possible. What's not to like?

If you haven't had lesbionic fantasies until now, it's because you've been repressing them. As you seem to have spent most of your life residing in Uptightville, it's really no shocker that your dreams are filled with frolicking femmes.

Despite my myriad big gay crushes, I remain a straight girl, and you probably are, too. So quit being such a hysterical whiner.

Dear Dategirl,

I recently realized that I'm in love with my roommate. This is problematic for a variety of reasons. First of all, she's a woman and so am I, which is somewhat awkward since I've had approximately three crushes on women in my entire life and have never told a soul, so I have no one to talk to about it. Secondly, she's my roommate, so this creates a somewhat uncomfortable living situation for me.

She's openly into dating women, and I feel like there's a potential there for us. However, I have no idea how she feels about me. She probably thinks I'm 100 percent straight. I really like this girl and don't know what to do. I also feel like I should move out, but I can't afford to right now. I don't want to create an uncomfortable living situation for myself, her, and everyone else involved. Sometimes I get the feeling she does like me, but one can't be sure. What do I do?

Lovesick Almost-Lesbian

Wow. Guess I wasn't the only one who rented Kissing Jessica Stein this weekend! But really, straight or gay, when are you ever certain that someone likes you back? I realize this isn't the most enlightened or responsible advice, but there's only one way to find out what's on her mind—get her liquored up and plant one on her. Don't worry about screwing up your living situation—love is a messy business, and a girl's gotta take risks. If she kisses you back, aces. If she doesn't, you can always blame it on the Cuervo.

Messy love life? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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