The Pet Lady knows you, dear readers, are bound to be utterly captivated by any topic that the P.L. finds too awful to contemplate. Thus, upon airing the difficulties in the column of Aug. 15 of a certain letter writer (a.k.a. "Fed Up With Saliva and Pee") with the tendency of a certain dog (given the nom de plume "Bitchy") to relentlessly lick her human's bedclothes, as well as said dog's tendency toward incontinence, the P.L. presciently anticipated a flood of mail forcing her to revisit both of these rather revolting issues. Lo and behold, the dear readers' tripartite commentary, which the P.L. shall address, as briefly as possible, following the missives themselves.
DEAR PET LADY,
My dog, Prince William, also enjoys a bit too much licking my pillowcase and, at times, bedsheets. This un-prince-like behavior, I reckon, is quite normal. Much like a dog's very typical desire to carry off with his or her guardian's (not owner's!) socks or underwear, dogs enjoy strange human odors. Why I do not know. But normal it is. At worst it sounds like Fed Up With Saliva and Pee's dog is a wee (pun intended) bit obsessive in its licking. Simple commands establishing boundaries can prevent such behavior.
Dogs Likey the Lickey
DEAR PET LADY,
I have an elderly female Scottie who has always done quite a bit of licking. Perhaps F.U.W.S.A.P. should note whether the dog is actually licking her paws rather than the linens, as this can be a sign of specific pet allergies and can be readily treated. Perhaps the urine leakage she refers to is due to excitement urination.
DEAR PET LADY,
In response to Fed Up With Saliva and Pee's letter, I was deeply disturbed in so many ways. First, you would be "Bitchy" too if you were unwell. Certainly the symptoms described would be best treated by a veterinarian. Female dogs leaking urine can indicate several possible maladies. Most common is a simple bladder infection sometimes caused by too much protein in a dog's diet. It might be a thyroid problem or a hormone imbalance. I am familiar with these ailments from the misfortunes that have befallen some of my best bitchy buddies.
Please Seek Medical Attention Soon
DEAREST TRIO OF CORRESPONDENTS,
Indeed, any number of deplorable pet (and, for that matter, human) behaviors may be termed "normal," but does this make them less horrifying to ponder? As in the case of the apparently somewhat common maniacal licking and "excitement urination," no—no, dear correspondents and dear readers, it does not. However, if one were to find the Aug. 15 issue of this esteemed publication behind the liquor cabinet, one would note that the Pet Lady, in the process of avoiding addressing F.U.W.S.A.P.'s difficulties nearly entirely, did specifically advise, nay, urge F.U.W.S.A.P. to consult a Pet Physician. "Urge" was, indeed, exactly the word deployed.
Have any of the dear readers noticed the recent resurgence in interest in Scottie dogs? The Pet Lady believes they may be the new Jack Russell. Best and cheers,
The Pet Lady
The P.L. herewith retires from this burdensome column.