Bottoms Up

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As reported earlier this month in the Wall Street Journal, art-film titan Miramax— the company that brought you The Crying Game, Il Postino, and Am鬩e—recently announced a surprising three-year joint marketing pact with Coors—the right-wing company whose current TV ad campaign features Kid Rock and a cast of frat boys who wouldn't be caught dead at Shakespeare in Love. Under the terms of the agreement, Coors is the only brand of beer that can appear in Miramax movies; both companies hope to reach the valuable 21-to-30-year-old binge-drinking demo. What hasn't been reported is that Miramax has already begun re-editing its upcoming fall and holiday flicks; here's what you can expect to see.

Frida: Salma Hayek plays the pioneering Mexican feminist artist in this lavish November biopic. She and her husband, Diego Rivera (Alfred Molina), are constantly fighting, but there's one thing they can agree on—the great new taste of Zima Citrus, perfect for quenching a savage thirst south of the border! What about all those boring self-portraits? Relax, dudes, Hayek does all her painting poolside in a thong bikini. (And did we mention the hot lesbian action?)

Waking Up in Reno: Billy Bob Thornton's marital/road-trip comedy is a perfect fit with Keystone Ice. And if there's one thing Billy Bob loves more than drinking, it's showgirls!

Pinocchio: In this live-action adaptation of the children's perennial, Roberto Benigni portrays the puppet who only wants to become human. How much does he love Coors' original? Look at his nose—he can't be lying!

Gangs of New York: In Martin Scorsese's highly anticipated Christmas release, Leo DeCaprio strides into a 19th-century Manhattan saloon and orders a Killian's Irish Red, attracting the approving eye of comely bar wench Cameron Diaz. Suddenly his sworn archrival Daniel Day Lewis bursts in with his murderous thugs! Leo's outnumbered! Don't worry—in a surprise cameo, Kid Rock comes to the rescue! He's got your back, Leo!

bmiller@seattleweekly.com