Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to put down your lattes and get ready to rumble! For the first time since the days of Jon Kitna, the first time since you bought text messaging for your cell phone, wrestling is back in the Great Northwest! Are you ready to see bone-crushing action? Are you prepared to witness the infliction of pain? Is your voice box primed? I know it is, Seattle, so come on down to KeyArena this Tuesday night for a live taping of SmackDown!, the greatest show on earth!
I know how it is, Seattle. I know how passive-aggressive you can be, and I'm here to tell you: No more! That's right, this is the night you've been waiting for—the ultimate release, the chance to kick some ass, vicariously, through your favorite gang of muscleheads. We'll play host to all of your SmackDown! heroes: The Rock, Faarooq, Brock Lesnar, and, last but not least, the one, the only, Hollywood Hulk Hogan, whom I had the privilege to speak to by phone the other day. Here is an actual, partial transcript of the interview.
Sports Guy: Hulk, are you there?
Hulk: Hello . . . Seattle!
Sports Guy: Twenty years of wrestling, Hulk. How does it feel?
Hulk: Well, man, they say wrestling is entertainment, but the injuries are real. The old body starts wearing out after so many knee drops and back drops. But I'm still going strong, man!
Sports Guy: You're older than my dad. How can you still win?
Hulk: It's not easy, man. I think I have a psychological advantage now. These young kids grew up watching the Hulk, and now they have to step into the ring with me. They know I'm the Babe Ruth of wrestling—I think that gives me an edge.
Sports Guy: Beyond the mental aspects, what's your secret?
Hulk: Man, it's hard to stay young. A double espresso and a solid bowel movement first thing in the morning . . . usually helps.
God bless you, Hulk! God bless your beautiful bunghole and the way you power out those turds!
Oh, this excitement makes me tingly! But we don't need SmackDown! to keep our emotions flowing; we can plan an event all our own! We'll call it the Seattle Slam! Rashard Lewis can fight the Undertaker for the cash he wants from the Sonics! Matt Hasselbeck and Trent Dilfer can solve the quarterback controversy once and for all! We'll break out the mud pit and unleash Seattle Storm forward Michelle Marciniak against Los Angeles Sparks center Lisa Leslie in the grudge match of the year! And for an encore, I, the Big Noun, will take on Howard Lincoln, Mariners CEO, in a battle against fascism that makes Rocky IV look like the Smurfs! Are you with me, Seattle? Can you feel me? Then let's get it on!