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Best Playground

Robin Laananen

Gasworks Park

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• Northgate Mall
• Space Needle
• Bellevue
• Little Bobby
• Garfield High School

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GREEN LAKE

The Pirate Game

Fun! To be played on a large playground structure, such as a jungle gym.

Object: To avoid falling in the crocodile-infested "waters" (the rocks, bark, or sand beneath the structure).

Players: As many as possible (no cooties).

To Play: Declare a "captain." All other players become "pirates." If you're the "captain," stand atop your "ship" (the structure) and tag "pirates" as they try to board the vessel. If you're a "pirate," climb about frantically, attempting to stay out of the "waters." Try to take over the ship by getting to the top. Watch out for the "captain"!

Variations: Dragon King: The rocks, bark, or sand are "hot lava"; King/ Queen of the Mountain: Use brute force to push "invaders" off the structure—wield sticks, if possible, and throw sand in the eyes of pansy-ass smaller children. K.M.

Second place: Woodland Park

Best Park

DISCOVERY PARK

(3801 W. Government Way, 386-4236)

It's huge! Huge! HUGE! What did we do to deserve such a big park? Be sure to check out its titanic parking lots, larger in size themselves than many other, lesser city parks. Oh, and the military base surrounding it should give visitors the creeps—tell them the park's history as Fort Lawton, Seattle's last defense against the Japanese back when they threatened our shores. (It was almost an anti-ballistic missile site!) Those who brave the long, long climb down to the beach can enjoy the unstinky, industrial-cool West Point sewage treatment facility at one end of the long, long beach. There's some nature, too—endangered eagles, we think, and probably mice and whatnot for them to eat, and, generally, a vast, rich tapestry of life. SO big. R.L.

Second place: Volunteer Park (15th and Galer, Capitol Hill)

Best Public School

GARFIELD HIGH SCHOOL

(400 23rd, 252-2270)

Garfield High School is a dump. The building is dilapidated. Fire-hazard hallways funnel A&F boys and Fubu girls to overcrowded classrooms. Rich, white, smart kids find themselves in acclaimed AP courses, and everyone else finds themselves in whatever else is offered that semester. But nowhere in the state can you find a better marine science program, a better symphony, so many National Merit Scholars, so many state basketball championships, and so many whacked-out and hip teachers who smoke cigarettes and say "goddammit" in front of their students. The jazz band rocks. Alder Street rocks. The bust of Jimi Hendrix in the library rocks. Goddammit, Garfield High School is a dump and it rocks. S.P.R.

Second place: Ballard High School (1418 N.W. 65th, 252-1000)

Best Private School

LAKESIDE

(14050 First N.E., 283-8808)

A year at Lakeside costs about the same as a brand-new Mini Cooper. That's no drop in the bucket. But there's something to be said for premium-priced schooling. Those little ballers have an executive chef, for chrissakes! And they eat the cuisine in a "commissary." Now doesn't that ring nicer than the nerve-racking, puke-smelling "lunch room" some of us public school riffraff had to put up with? No fat, hairy lunch ladies, no corndogs—oh, what a life. Lakeside is the closest thing Seattle has to those hoity-toity East Coast prep schools, minus the stuffy uniforms. And with generous alums like Bill Gates, Paul Allen, and the whole McCaw crew, you know that executive chef cooks up some fine meals. K.M.

Second place: O'Dea (802 Terry, 622-6596)

Best Children's Bookstore

SECRET GARDEN

(2214 N.W. Market, 789-5006)

Max can read.

See Max read.

Max likes books.

His mom Betsy reads Goodnight Moon to Max.

She reads it again.

She reads it again.

She reads it again.

Betsy takes Max to Secret Garden.

See all the lovely books they have.

Watch the smart and kind clerks help Max pick out a new book.

Max is happy.

Betsy is happy, too.

A.V.B.

Second place: Barnes & Noble Booksellers (many, many locations)

Best Toy Store

FAO SCHWARZ

(1420 Fifth, 442-9500 and 2010 Bellevue Sq., Bellevue, 425-646-9000)

Seattle is well-stocked with fine independent toy stores, but voters, it seems, chose quantity over quality, since FAO Schwarz won and Toys R Us was right on its heels for second. And it is hard to compete on selection with the big guys, especially since the major toy makers make it impossible for locals Magic Mouse and Top Ten Toys, for example, to stock certain brands, like Etch-A-Sketch and Lego. Or maybe it's all about the candy. FAO Schweetz has one of the best assortments around for fans of what used to be called "penny candy." It certainly doesn't cost just a penny anymore, but a bag full of Swedish fish and sour grapes makes any shopping trip more fun—even if you do have to listen to that tedious giant piano made famous by Big over and over. A.V.B.

Second place: Toys R Us (Northgate Mall, 361-1101; 103 110th N.E., Bellevue, 425-453-1901)

Best Place to Fly a Kite

GAS WORKS PARK

(3300 Meridian N., 684-4075)

There is a huge, happy green hill at Gas Works Park crowded with huge, happy people because it is a popular place from which to launch big kites and upon which to let your dog poop. You can stand up there on that hill with a kite in one hand and your dog's leash in the other hand and feel very much like your life is a painting. If it feels a little cheesy to you, a little too contrived, if the reflection of the city in the lake is a little too glossy and picturesque, if the blueness of the sky is just too blue, remember that the hill you are standing on is a giant mound of glowing, rotting toxic refuse, and that if you took up a scoopful of that dirt in your hand and began eating it, you'd die. You would be killed, just like the Native Americans who lived here before us were killed, although we killed them, not the dirt, and then we contaminated the dirt, and very likely the dirt will kill us. God, we suck. C.F.