More Cushion for the Pushin'!

A newly chubbed-up newlywed wrote in recently lamenting the changes the extra weight had wrought in her boudoir [Dategirl, June 27]. She wondered if I had any insight on the differences between the sex habits of the fleshy vs. those of the fit. Relying on my usual unreliable method of unscientific research, I asked you all to weigh in. Here's the skinny from two of you.

Hey there, Dategirl,

Regarding that fat girl with the big-dicked husband: A perfect position for those two would be what I like to call "roadkill doggy-style," in which both parties start out in the traditional manner then drop into a prone position, ample thighs pressed together. This only works when the guy has a big dick, and a lazy girl could not ask for better.

It's also worth noting that losing weight and cutting fat out of your life screws with your hormones and kills your sex drive. When I was 40 pounds lighter, I never wanted sex at all. It was a sad state of things.

Chubby But Chaste No More

Hi C.B.C.N.M.,

I gotta tell you, "roadkill doggy-style" doesn't exactly inspire lustful thoughts; but your observations about losing weight are right on. When I was a skinny young thing, I was always too worried about how I looked to truly let loose. Once I learned to embrace my jiggle, sex became much more fun. I hope our worried wife takes solace in our experiences.

Howdy Judy,

I'm a 45-year-old lifelong fat guy who has recently shrunk myself, via strict diet and brutal exercise, from 385 to 225 pounds. The good news is that my dick "grew" (actually the fat pad around it shrunk) from a depressing 3 inches to a still uninspiring 5 inches. It also has a big curve from having to tunnel its way out of its fat cave its whole life.

Now I'm reasonably attractive to women, which scares the hell out of me. Why do you think I was 385 pounds in the first place? By the way, I'm single, no kids, and a very successful, creative professional. The bad news is that I gave myself Type 2 diabetes along the fast-food way, so I have some nerve damage. I get hard-ons but am anorgasmic (translation: It's difficult for me to come inside women). Since I couldn't fuck worth shit when I was fat, any woman merciful enough to sleep with me was guaranteed a minimum of five oral orgasms a night, with a personal best of 25! We fat guys love to eat. . . .

Going from superfat to relatively normal has been great for my confidence and my sex life. Sex is athletic, I'm not mortified to be seen naked, I don't sweat a quarter as much in bed, and I can dance without people pointing, gagging, or laughing. And my oral proclivities are still a big hit. My current favorite position is missionary, because I'm now not afraid of crushing or suffocating my partner. In case you wondered, people are unbelievably cruel to fatties. Too bad it's so easy to get fat and so hard to get skinny.

Formerly your "biggest" fan,

Jared

Hi Jared,

Congrats on dropping the tonnage—and your poor penis tunneling its way out of your fat cave is not an image that's gonna leave my mind anytime soon. I'm sorry that it was fear of my gender that caused you to pack on the poundage in the first place, but it sounds like you're a happy camper now. I hope you've consulted a physician about the lack o' lead in the pencil—any man with your oral skills certainly deserves to come in from the cold once in a while.

As Dategirl packs a bit of junk in the trunk herself, I am well aware of our society's fat phobia. If I were an evil supervillain, my superpower would be the Fat Whammy. Imagine the vengeance: Zap! Here's 30 pounds of excess ass for you, Gwyneth—that's for Shallow Hal! Bam! For turning thousands of high-school girls anorexic—Anna Wintour, you get three chins and cottage-cheese thighs! Boom! A matching set of saddlebags for the bony-ass bitches of Friends (except Phoebe)—just because you bug me!

Bugged?Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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