Ex-sex and an icky invention

Dategirl, here's my deal:

Several months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend. Before and during our relationship, I had good, healthy attitudes about sex and a healthy, if somewhat sleepy, sex life. Since our breakup, we've had some ex-sex, very little of which I felt good about afterwards. My sex drive is way down, which is normal after a breakup, but I've also come to feel that sex is dirty, emotionally risky, and, worse, that she's somehow a lesser person for sleeping with others since we've broken up. This is killing me, not only for the obvious reasons, but because I need to have a normal relationship with her, one where I don't think she's a slut (in the negative sense, that is). What's the deal, and how can I get my confident, healthy, accepting self back!?!

Don't Want to Be a Dimmesdale

Sex is dirty and emotionally risky, which is what makes it worth doing in the first place. As for your feelings about your ex—she's having sex with people who aren't you, so of course she's a horrible, rotten slut. The mere thought of my ex plugging his dick into some skanky new broad twists my guts into a pretzel; I can't imagine how you must feel knowing your ex is banging some other guys. Gross!

We're supposed to be these evolved creatures who don't possess inconvenient emotions like jealousy, but what the fuck? You're only human. Quit trying to be so enlightened and stay the hell away from her. You can be friends in a few months—seeing her now will only make you feel like shit.

You're not going to feel confident and healthy until you're over her. That might take some time, and you've got to give yourself that. I have friends who gleefully go skipping from relationship to relationship, often overlapping in the process. I wish I could be, but I've never been that kind of girl—I need time off to breathe, cry hysterically for a few weeks (or months), and figure out just how I fucked up yet another relationship. Plus, I still miss my ex and suspect you feel the same. It blows, but there's nothing to do about your misery except suck it up and wait it out.

Dategirl,

I have an idea, and if those scientists could get their act together and pull it off, people would pay loads of money to get it. Here it is: Forget penis enlargement. Imagine a tactile penis, retractable with adjustable size (up to a reasonable limit, of course). Almost like the trunk of an elephant!!! Just imagine what men could do with such an appendage!!! Oh my. Women's pleasure would be without limit. Just humor me for a minute, and think about having this thing go places inside you, moving around in a slow sensual search for your G-spot. Oh my word . . . it's making me, oh, I got to go. If this were possible, sex would be very different. But in the meantime I will make good use of the stiff one God gave me.

Keep up the good work.

J.P.

OK, J.P., I'm humoring you. Before reading your letter, I thought nothing could skeeve me more than the mental image of my ex-boyfriend's face buried in some other bitch's crotch. I was wrong. The thought of a retractable, mutant, trunklike instrument crawling about my insides does not get me even remotely hot; in fact, I'm feeling a little nauseous now, thanks.

Men are perfectly capable of pleasing women without resorting to mechanical members. The problem is, too many of them don't bother. I've had great sex with guys hung like thimbles and wretched sex with men who'd give John Holmes a run for his money. Contrary to what a lot of men think, it's not all about the dick (at least for us). Fingers and tongues work just as well, but using them means the guy has to do a little work. Your invention sounds ideal for the lazy slacker who theoretically wants to make his girlie come but is reluctant to work up a sweat. Who wants a slothful stud? If we preferred the mechanical bull to the skin pony, we'd stay home and do the job ourselves.

Dating difficulties? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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