Footloose & frustrated

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Footloose & frustrated

  • Footloose & frustrated

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    Dategirl,

    I'm frustrated. I put a very hot ad up on an online personal site, looking for either a man or a woman. I would have preferred a beautiful woman—as women are better lovers—but none responded. But even with a highly sexually explicit ad with a partially nude photo and other textual assurances, the men who responded are either teenagers looking for their first date or they e-mail pictures of their erect buddies (not all that impressive either, with comments like "I wanna f**k U"). Like where did even a little romance go? Or worse, when I meet them, they have issues. A date or two or three into it, we just talk—I hear about their moms, their work, their car. I'm working on becoming a lap dancer, so I am aware that listening is a valuable skill, but damn. What does it take to find someone who can spell and fuck?

    Batteryless in Seattle

    Dear Battery-Free,

    You've got to be kidding. You write a lewd ad and accompany said text with a half-naked photo of yourself, and are then surprised that the only people who respond are a bunch of horny jackasses? Who were you expecting?

    As far as listening to dull stories goes, well, that's the price you pay for sex. I am curious about your reference to "working on becoming a lap dancer." It was always my impression that the lap dance is a fairly straightforward, rub-up-against-'em kinda thing; I was not aware of any certification process involved. Tell me more.

    And if you want broads, put your ad in the women-only section. I'd also exchange the boobie photo for one that's a bit more demure. Women, straight and gay, aren't as likely as men, straight or gay, to go for the explicit sex talk. You might wanna save that for the first date.

    Dategirl,

    You recently claimed that the baby boomer generation is to be regarded in infamy for their having created the Birkenstock brand [Dategirl, Feb. 14]. I rigorously disagree. Women's feet have the most erotic curves on their entire body, and a Birkenstock sandal, worn without socks underneath, exposes every sensuous slope. Perhaps if you were to enjoy a woman's feet you would come to appreciate the eroticism of Birkenstocks.

    James, foot fetishist in Seattle

    Oh, James!

    Though I'm by no means a foot freak, I can certainly understand the appeal of a couple of elegant ones strapped into a pair of shiny, red 4-inch heels. But Birkenstocks? What kind of sick, granola-crunching hippie are you? The only footwear that is possibly more offensive than those unwieldy glorified clogs would be that Teva sandal/sneaker combination.

    I have friends (and even a sister!) who regularly commit these fashion atrocities in the name of something they call "comfort," but I don't get it. Why would you want to make your foot—not the most attractive body part to start with—even uglier? In my quest for understanding, I logged onto birkenstock.com to see if I could find any redeeming qualities. You know who their spokesmodel is? Jen Hanna, pro golfer. She's a golfer! Golfers wear plaid knickers and bad hats—not exactly a group known for their sartorial savvy.

    On the surface, your fetish might seem pretty harmless—after all, you're not eating shit or fingering toddlers— so who's really suffering? Well, James, I am. Women who wear Birkenstocks also wear long, flowing gauzy skirts and braid their hair. They don't shave their legs or pits and they use patchouli with reckless abandon. Do you know where these women are when you're not slavishly licking their insteps? I'll tell you where they are. They are in my face, and I don't like them. It's sickos like you that make them think they're hot. Stop it!

    Make it stop! Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

     
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