i am a poet. i get these poetic attacks. i can't help it. they descend upon me. so i write. i write it out.
with that said, i can't get laid in seattle. i am 31 years old. i am a 31 year old virgin. i go to open mics and have intense crushes on some of the women. they are gorgeous and mystifying. i must say: i love them. but they always go for the waiter or the guy in the fedora with the hard-on for Coltrane. am I missing something, dategirl? should i become a waiter or get wood for Coltrane? i need help, dategirl.
A Haiku for Spanky D
stop writing poems
you are not e.e. cummings
In response to the Feb. 7 letter from "Shaved Monkey" concerning certain women and their dislike of receiving oral sex, my experience is that yes, most women do enjoy a good "tongue-lashing" if done with the proper care. However, my beloved girlfriend of three years appears to be an exception. When I have gone down on her, she has enjoyed it, but I can count the number of times this has happened on one hand. Of course we have talked about this a few times, and I have come to the understanding that she is "self-conscious" and "thinks it is dirty down there" even after a shower. Having been a happy cunnilingus provider for many years with other girlfriends, I have done all in my power to reassure her it is by no means a burden on me. Alas, she seems firm on this, and it may be three more years before I can count the number on my other hand.
Should I let it go? I admit I miss doing it for my own selfish reasons; I could set up a base camp down there if she would only let me. Also, I feel a bit guilty when I ask for a blow job but never get to return the oral favor. Could there be more to this than simple dislike? We have a pretty good line of communication going in the bedroom, or so I think.
I fucked up—apparently many women loathe oral sex for various reasons having nothing to do with their partner's technique. I shouldn't have been so quick to criticize a mouth that I've never tried, so I hope Shaved Monkey will forgive me. It just seems unfathomable to me that anyone wouldn't like a nice tongue flicking back and forth, up and down, then in a firm, circular motion . . . oh, never mind.
But let's look at your situation. This is a case where positive reinforcement is paramount. Do not regale your lady love with tales of how much your past girlfriends have howled for your sweet oral action; believe you me, nothing will lock down those labia tighter than a mental image of your head bobbing up and down between some other thighs. And because she's obviously pretty uncomfortable in her own skin, don't tell her what a freak she is for not wanting it. Instead, accentuate the positive. I don't know about her, but compliments will get you just about anywhere you wanna go with this girl.
Have you told her what a stiffy going down on her provokes? If she's that uptight, she might feel like you're looking at it as a duty; assure her that you find it a pleasure. Perhaps you could buy a sexual how-to book and suggest you try out each scenario, page by page. And this is pretty obvious, but you could introduce food into your routine: "Oops, I spilled some Nutella on your clitoris—I'd better lick it off before it stains the sheets!" I'd also try getting her to taste her own spooge, midforeplay. I'm assuming she lets you use your hand, so why not just slide a finger or three up there, bring it back up to your mouth, and lick it. Then get her to taste. Maybe once she discovers that her nether regions don't taste like a rotting clam sandwich, she'll be more likely to let you dive for pearls.
Tongue-tied? Write Dategirl at email@example.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.