Dear Dategirl,

I agree with Secluded in Seattle’s philosophy [Dategirl, Jan. 1]. Dating and relationships are not for everyone, and some of us decided long ago to opt out of the whole scene—and in the process save a lot of time, aggravation, and money. It’s also healthier on the lungs and ears because you no longer hang out in smoky, loud clubs trying to score. Other benefits are you don’t have to shower, shave, brush your teeth, or use deodorant. The only problem is it virtually guarantees celibacy. I believe there are a substantial number of men who have no desire for a relationship, yet still desire sex. I realized how to solve this dilemma in 1985: prostitutes. Since then, I’ve had intercourse with approximately 150 hookers, have never been busted, and have never caught an STD.

I created a site (www.Igot2pay2getlaid.com) to help other men get started in what we veteran johns affectionately call “the hobby.” [Dategirl confession: That’s not really his URL, but it should be.] Last year I was thrilled when the Weekly did a positive review of the site. [Prepare to be decidedly less thrilled in 2003.]

I’ve spent thousands of dollars on prostitutes over the years, but I know some guys spend as much on their wife’s breast implants and still don’t get laid any more often than me.

Uncircumcised

Listen, Freddy Foreskin,

I certainly understand the impulse to pay someone to come over, bang the hell outta you, and then split. You’re right—relationships aren’t for everyone, and some folks are too ugly, lazy, or socially retarded to get laid without the help of a major credit card. Hell, I’ve even considered it on more than one occasion. I believe prostitution should be legal, regulated, and taxed. But it’s not, and street prostitutes—the variety you favor—are the most vulnerable players in this underground economy.

Men like you are one reason I worry about those ladies (and gents) peddling their heinies out there. You write this relatively benign letter, hoping I’ll plug your hooker-hound Web site, detailing all the sound reasons why paying for sex is better than getting it for free. (Good for your lungs—that’s a new one!) Having read my column, you’ve figured out that I’m a bit of a bitch, so you’ve tailored your language to make yourself more palatable. But as you’re also a vocal proponent of pay for play, the most rudimentary Web research reveals a much nastier side to you—an almost paranoic, definitely misogynist, side:

“The more prostitution laws are tightened, the more valuable the non-pro’s pussy becomes, and she is able to extract more commitment and compensation from the men she fucks, and make them jump through more hoops to satisfy her own ego.”

Huh? These aren’t the words of a gentleman driven to hookers in order to save his lungs from secondhand smoke! And wait—there’s more:

“[I]f all the prostitution laws were abolished and there were cheap, legal strolls in every city, imagine how many fewer men would be willing to put up with marriage, ‘relationships,’ and the risk of becoming a father just to get some regular pussy.”

Why didn’t you write that in your letter to me? I coulda clued you in to the fact that there are loads of women who actually enjoy having sex and don’t demand monogamy, progeny, or 50 bucks in exchange. They just don’t want to have sex with you. And, believe it or not, there are plenty of men who actually like being in relationships. Some even want to procreate.

I feel for the broads who are forced by circumstance to screw your non-deodorant-wearing, stanky-breath, woman-hating ass. If you went to a brothel or employed an escort service, you’d either be refused service or forced to wash, and that would defeat your purpose. Instead, you exploit the most marginalized segment of society. Another thing that really irks me about your letter is the hypocrisy. Misogynists are revolting enough, but even more loathsome is a hypocritical suck-up. If you’re going to be a sexist shitbag, be a man about it.

Dategirl is at your service! Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.