Nookie in the New Year!

Dategirl,

I am a 21-year-old guy who finished college at 19. I really don't like to drink or party at all. I work with computers, primarily from home. Do you have any advice for how or where I could meet any girls where a date would be a possible outcome?

Dateless in Tacoma

Dearest Dateless,

Bully for you that you're smart and all, but I think that graduating college at such an early age may have stunted your social growth. You obviously spent far too much of your teen years with your nose in the books and not nearly enough time doing bong hits and quaffing beer through funnels. Believe me, I know the pain and alienation that comes from being freakishly brilliant, but I think your parents might've done you a disservice by skipping you all those grades. It's difficult enough to get through high school without opening fire on yourself or others; I can't imagine how excruciating it would be if you were years younger than everyone else. And getting into college when you're 15 and all the girls are 18 and up?!? You never had a chance at doing the normal postpubescent dating dance. Poor you!

But now you have to develop some level of social acumen. The first thing you mentioned in a four-sentence letter is the fact that you graduated from college at an obscenely early age; I'm thinking you might have a bit of a superiority complex about this. If so, get over it. Going through life under the impression that you're smarter than the rest of us will only serve to irritate women who might otherwise be persuaded to put your penis in their mouths. If your egomania is completely unmanageable and it's just downright impossible for you to think any other way, at least keep it under wraps. If you're that clever, you're certainly clever enough to hide it.

Since you don't seem to enjoy leaving your home, you're a perfect candidate for online personals (unless you have a particularly hot pizza-delivery girl, you probably aren't going to meet any broads between your kitchen and your bedroom). Before you balk at this notion, let me assure you that both my father and brother have gotten tail this way. Good luck.

Dear Dategirl,

A few weeks back a guy wrote you stating that he was still a virgin and asking how to remedy this. I was wondering what your advice would be to a 23-year-old female who is attractive, has a great sense of humor, but always seems to attract the wrong guy. For the last year I have not dated much because I've been busy working my way up the corporate ladder. I'm also tired of the dating scene. However, I do not want to be the oldest female virgin alive. I'm ready to practically jump any guy that I am remotely attracted to, but now that I am at this state there just is no one that fits that bill. What should I do?

23-Year-Old Nun

Dear Sister Mary Hotpants,

Have I got a guy for you! He's young, he works from home, and he would really like a date with a nice girl. Seriously, it is so remarkably easy for women to get laid—if that's all you want. If your virginity is such an albatross, just take your perky little 23-year-old butt out to the nearest watering hole, point to the cutest piece of manmeat in there, and drag his ass home with you. Or, you could always ask a male friend to relieve you of Harrietta Hymen. Most fellas don't have any qualms about putting it to their chick friends if you can assure them that a one-time roll in the hay is all you want.

It's when you start actually liking the guy that you're fucking that things become problematic. It is a curse of female anatomy that we tend to get attached to men who move their penises in and out of us. Especially those who move it in and out nice and slow and hard, while you're pushed up against a wall . . . one hand cupping your ass, the other doing all sorts of things to your breasts . . . grinding against you with just the right amount of pressure, biting your neck, nearly swallowing your tongue, until you're both covered in sweat, reduced to nothing more than a couple of rutting beasts, until you both, uh . . . I gotta go. Happy New Year!

Nookie problems? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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