The smell of fresh-baked gingerbread burns your nostrils like mustard gas, the Singing Dogs and Jingle Cats are nipping at your heels, and in 48 hours you’re getting on a plane to go spend the holidays with your mother, that harpy. You, my less-than-festive friend, need some Christmas release—and I’m not talking about a double shot of eggnog.
Unless you’re that rarest of elves who pitches a pup tent over Martha Stewart, the Yuletide can be a woefully nonerotic season. But it doesn’t have to be. After all, this is a holiday that actively condones squirming on a grown man’s lap while telling him what we really, really want him to give us. There’s no better time of year to treat yourself or your partner(s) to some extra-special stocking stuffing, or to drop a suggestive hint to someone you’ve had your eye on that you’d love to “Jingle Bell Rock” their world.
Like shopping for gifts for a longtime boy- or girlfriend, spicing up the holidays requires a little imagination. Perhaps it’s time to explore role-playing. Bribe the UPS or FedEx guy into loaning you his spare uniform for an afternoon and surprise your sweetie with a very urgent package. Or pick up a ski mask and some sturdy clothesline at Chubby & Tubby and stage an impromptu kidnapping.
The best part about exploring fantasies like these is how inexpensive they can be. Personally, I’ve always had a thing for pizza guys. Not the delivery boys, but the burly Brooklyn studs in the window who, ahem, toss the pies. A bottle of olive oil, a flour-dusted apron, a sturdy table, and you’re in for hours of lovin’-in-the-oven. Have you ever had a pizza wheel run over your naked body? Yes? Then graduate to the Wartenberg Wheel, a delightful silver instrument that looks like a cross between an antique from Grandma’s sewing kit and one of the gynecological tools in Dead Ringers—and hurts so good.
Looking for someone to play Mrs. Claus to your randy Santa? Let Little Miss Hard-To-Get who gets you hard know that you’re smart, cool, and good to go by giving her a copy of Aroused: A Collection of Erotic Writing, featuring purple prose from hipsters including Richard Hell, Hubert Selby, Lydia Lunch, John Waters, and bell hooks. It’s edited by Karen Finley—and who knows more about erotica than a woman who jams yams up her twat?
Or perhaps you’ve had trouble luring that great one-night stand who was hung like a reindeer back to your crib for an encore performance. Bet he’ll be too flattered to decline when you invite him over to “model” for the Make Your Own Dildo kit. Even if he never comes back again, you can still enjoy his favors as often as you like!
Speaking of taking matters into your own hands, sometimes frazzled nerves demand satisfying your needs without worrying about anyone else’s: Treat yourself to a dildo or vibrator. Since they’ve already set a place with your name card at Satan’s infernal table, you dirty bird, work out that suppressed Catholic guilt with a present to yourself from the aptly named Divine Interventions (you’ve at least got to check out their, um, stunning Web site). Are you a fan of The Exorcist? Then I recommend the Jackhammer Jesus. If you like the idea of making it with a religious icon, but the serene countenances of the Virgin Mary, Baby Jesus, Buddha, and Satan sex toys found at Divine Interventions are too unnerving to be arousing, there’s always the devilishly cute High Ruler vibrator. Or stay spiritual but drop the monotheism by selecting your corresponding Astrovibe; you can choose from 12 colorful models—one for each symbol in the zodiac—although sadly the Gemini one isn’t double-headed.
Of course, amidst all this December decadence, it’s important to stop briefly and think of those less fortunate. Do you know a virginal Cindy Lou Who-type, worried about getting a stocking full of coal if she dares to touch “down there”? Maybe it’s time for her to put aside her teddy bears and start snuggling up with a Penis Pillow. It’s a giant plush toy that’s also a phallus, sort of like Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street. And as in real life, the Penis Pillow comes in a variety of colors and sizes—but starting with the 36″ model is probably a bit ambitious. Or maybe she’s a fan of those lovable Japanese cartoon characters from Sanrio. Hello Kitty may not have a mouth, but apparently that little pussy’s a fan of other orifices, judging from the adorable pink “pocket rocket” bearing her likeness. Can the Bad Batz-Maru butt plug be far behind?
There you go. Now start spreading some holiday cheer. Christmas comes just once a year, but hopefully you’ll come more than once this Christmas.
Get It?
A SKI MASK AND SOME CLOTHESLINE may be found at Chubby & Tubby (7906 Aurora N., 524-1810; 3333 Rainier S., 723-8800; 9456 16th S.W., 762-9791).
From Toys in Babeland (707 E. Pike, 328-2914; www.toysinbabeland.com): the WARTENBERG WHEEL ($18), the HIGH RULER VIBRATOR ($50), the ASTROVIBE VIBRATOR ($52), and the HELLO KITTY VIBRATOR ($30).
Get AROUSED: A Collection of Erotic Writing (Thunder’s Mouth Press, $17.95) at your local independent bookseller.
The MAKE YOUR OWN DILDO KIT ($58.99) is available at www.1aboutsextoys.com.
JACKHAMMER JESUS ($60) and friends may be purchased at www.divine-interventions.com.
And, last but not least, the PENIS PILLOW is yours from www.penis-pillow.com.
