Pet the dolphin!

Dear Dategirl,

I might have told a boy that I loved him—I'm not sure! At the time, we were getting it on, and I prefaced it by saying, "When we're close like this and fucking, I feel like I love you." Did that declaration have sufficient stipulations as to cancel out the "L" word, or does that count as a real "I love you"? And if it counts as a real "I love you," is there any way to take it back?

Love (and this time I mean it!),

Babette

Hi Babette,

I'm with you—no three words are scarier than that trio! Why, just this morning I asked my boyfriend if he thought he was ever gonna fall in love with me. He immediately dove under the pillows and pretended to be asleep. "Guess you didn't like that question, did you?" I laughed. "No," was his muffled response. Woke his ass up quicker than a pot of espresso, though.

Luckily, you were circumspect with your statement of almost/sorta love, so there's no need to work out backsies. By cleverly prefacing with "I feel like," you saved yourself from an outright declaration. And no court in the land is gonna hold you to an "I love you" uttered while genitalia were out and active. Unless you've established said love prior to coital contact, such assertions should be considered null and void once the fluids are mopped up and the panties pulled back on.

Dear Dategirl,

I've been dating two guys in two different parts of the country, both in their late 20s. Both, believe it or not, shave their pubes. Now what the heck is that? We're not talking smooth as a baby's bottom, but pretty crew-cut short. When I asked each of them what was up with the lack of hair down there, they both said (on separate occasions, mind you, and no, they don't know each other), "I have this thing about hair."

They both assure me that MY hair is fine, but what in the world is going on? One of them even shaves his pits. And these aren't swimmers who need to be hairless. These are regular guys—just hairless.

Hairy in Virginia

Dear Hairy,

I, too, have a "thing" about hair—I like my men to have some down there! How odd! The first thing that occurred to me is that trimming the pubes was a desperate attempt to try to optimize the size of their organs: a David Cockerfield-type illusion (sorry, couldn't resist). But that still doesn't explain the pit shaving. So, as usual when I'm stumped, I consulted my miscreant friends to see if they had any idea what was up with this. Here's what some of the guys had to say:

"C'mon . . . I can barely get it together to shave my face— besides, I shaved my legs once, and the hair didn't grow back for years."—Dave, Bartender/Man About Town

"Trust me, a clean maleness and some lube—nice, nice. Tackle your boyfriend with a razor and see fer yerself. . . . like petting a dolphin." —Marcus, Writer/Jacques Cousteau Wanna-Be

Petting a dolphin? OK, my friends are weird. Color me conventional, but I do not find seafaring mammals remotely erotic. As the men were less than helpful, I queried some of the ladies in my life:

"Guys really like their balls sucked and seem to have as a group arrived at an understanding that this is much more appetizing for a lady when their balls are hairless. Sometimes when I am seeing a guy and wondering if I am the only girl in his repertoire, I will ask him to shave his balls—innocently, of course, and only to facilitate more of the above. But in truth I know if they were seeing other women, having shaved their balls would be difficult to explain, and their willingness to do so is sometimes a good indicator of where I stand. A sick test, but is there any other kind?"—Julie, Reporter/Bombshell

"I find that disturbing. I have a few rules that I try to live by: Never go out with anyone better looking than I; never go out with anyone who takes longer to get ready than I do; and now I must add another—never go out with anyone who resorts to optical illusions in order to make their dick appear bigger."—Alex, Designer/Philosopher

Stumped about sex and/or love? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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