YOU'VE JUST HAD your last-call nightcap, you're standing on the sidewalk, it's raining, and you're hungry in that way that only the inebriated can be. It's too late for Dick's, and you swore last weekend that Taco Bell was dead to you forever. So you've got your Denny's, with the ever-reliable, if overpriced, Moons Over My Hammy, and, um, where else? New York City this ain't. Here are your 24-hour choices, along with the helpful Bacon, Eggs, & Potatoes Price Index (BEPPI) by way of price comparison—we know you're too drunk to care how much you're spending, but still.
Jack's Roadhouse (1501 E. Olive Way, 324-7000; 24 hours from 2 p.m. Thurs. to 2 p.m. Sun.) is a brand-new place on Capitol Hill, and as such, it will do just fine, despite undercooked bacon and its brand-new, contrived "roadhouse" decor. Somehow highway signs all over walls has lost its freshness (except, in this case, two that read "FLOWER SHOW" with big arrows that point to the women's room). Jack's also features a small shark in a tank over the bar. The curly fries ($3.50) are just the thing to jam down your drunk gullet. Jack's BEPPI: $7.
Down the hill, there's the Hurricane (2230 Seventh, 682-5858), which used to be the Dog House, which makes going to the Hurricane somewhat torturous. The Dog House was certifiably creepy, with fabulous old waitresses and Woolworth's-counter-style food; the Hurricane is just sort of a dingy cave, with OK food at pretty good prices (BEPPI: $4.95) by middle-of-the-night standards.
The chow at the Five Point (415 Cedar, 448-9993) is better; the open-faced turkey sandwich with gravy and mashed potatoes ($7.92) can make a person very, very happy at 3 a.m. It's invariably loud and smoky here, and the waitstaff varies from no bullshit to gruffly fun. Plus there's the allure of the periscope above the urinal in the men's room. Five Point BEPPI: $8.20 (go for the sandwich).
Going in the kitchen and screaming about wanting fucking syrup with your pancakes would get you 86'd from the old Minnie's on Broadway, even though the service was so unbelievably terrible that, not only would they not bring you syrup, they would not look at you ever again until you were in the kitchen screaming obscenities. Now there's just the one down on Denny (101 Denny Way, 448-6263), where the waitstaff is, for whatever reason, slightly more attentive, and perfectly adequate breakfast-type items as well as sandwiches, etc., are deployed. The atmosphere is standard diner, and it's actually called Caffe Minnie's, did you know that? Minnie's BEPPI: $6.75.
Everyone's been to the 13 Coins (125 Boren N., 682-2513), but most people only go once. It's just weird here, like a bizarre hybrid of Canlis and a '70s Denny's, and it's sort of fun in that regard—the giant padded booths, the long coffee-shop-style counter with its open kitchen and chefs in toques setting things aflame—but dang, it's expensive: The BEPPI is $10.50. That's for bacon and eggs, people.
Beth's Cafe (7311 Aurora, 782-5588) is grand. Near the former site of the Twin Teepees, the home of the terrifying 12-egg omelet, decorated by your drawings, it's homey and the staff is of the nice tattooed variety. The breakfasts are greasy in the way you want them to be and impressive in quantity. Beth's BEPPI: $6.25.
That Stella's (4500 Ninth N.E., 633-1100) still exists may be a testament to the desperation of late-night diners in this city. A stereotypical, if brightly lit, Italian joint, it serves mediocre pasta priced in the $10-$15 range and a Caesar topped with what seems to be plastic Parmesan. You may witness a management/dishwasher labor dispute from your table, and you may, sadly, paradoxically, be less happy after you've eaten rather than more. Bacon and eggs is not on the "Nighthawk" menu, but the improperly punctuated "Tom Wait's Combo" (two eggs, potatoes, and toast) is $5.75.
Last but not least, IHOP (950 E. Madison, 322-4450; 4301 Brooklyn, 634-2284). Say what you want, IHOP knows how to make pancakes, and having four different syrups to choose from is good even though you always want the old-fashioned kind. The U District location is packed with UW students and the Madison one with SU students, and it's easy to goad them into intertable conversation. The BEPPI here is $6.29, but what you really want is pigs in blankets, pancakes wrapped around sausages, for $5.99. Bon appetite, my drunk friends.
Know of other 24-hour restaurants? For the love of God, let us know: firstname.lastname@example.org.