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I am a married man who is very much in love with my wife. We have a great sex life. We play games>"/>
I am a married man who is very much in love with my wife. We have a great sex life. We play games and use toys, but my wife's not much for role-playing or watching movies (you know, some of the fun stuff). Anyway, for some reason I keep dreaming about watching her have sex with another man. Nobody in particular, just someone else. At first the dream really bothered me. But the more I think about it, the more it turns me on.
My question to you is this: Is this normal or common? What should I do about it? I know she would not go for it, so how could I bring it up or find out if she has the same fantasy? She is pretty reserved and doesn't like talking about this stuff. In fact, she won't even masturbate—she says it's gross. So what can I do?
Dave with the Seven-Plus Cock
Your wife is too repressed to jerk herself off, and you're wondering if she'll bang one of your beer buddies while you sit in the corner and pull yer pud? I think you know the answer to that one—fat fucking chance!
But, for the sake of argument, I want you to consider the reality of the situation. You mention that the first few times you had the dream, it bothered you, then something changed, and you started to think of it as a turn-on. What you might want to consider is that spying on your wife servicing some anonymous Joe in your head is a very different scenario than watching her and some big-dicked stud soil the sheets you sleep on every night. Say she blows your mind and actually says yes: How are you going to feel about it once it's happening for real? What if she turns into a sexually voracious she-beast with him? Whereas she won't even touch herself when you're around, say she invites him to ass-fuck her and howls like a banshee? What if he's a better lay than you? What if he has a bigger dick? What if she does things to him that she'd never do for you? If any of these possibilities bother you, I'd drop it and just keep it for fodder for your private dances with Rosie Palm.
I also kinda wonder if this has become such a turn-on because you know Wifey won't go for it; then you can feel free to resent her for being so repressed. Granted, the woman seems pretty damned uptight, but it would be a much better tack to address that rather than try to convince her to do something that I suspect would actually make you both pretty cranky.
As for wondering if this fantasy is "normal" (whatever that is), it's pretty much a given that any depraved turn-on scenario your average nonpsychotic human comes up with is one that hundreds of thousands have wanked off to before. There're only so many naughty bits and different sex scenarios one can fathom. So while your fantasy may not be normal, it's not terribly uncommon. Oh, and congrats on your slightly above average-size package!
I was reading through your old columns and came across this advice you gave men: "When you meet a woman, make eye contact (NOT eye-to-breast contact). . . . "
What is going on here? Women get breast implants, wear push-up bras (or jiggle along with no bras), wear tight blouses, sometimes sheer ones—and we're not supposed to look!?
Seems unfair and hypocritical to me.
Confused & Resentful Straight Boy
Dear Confused & Resentful,
You are confused. I didn't say you couldn't knocker-watch—it's all about finessing the glance. What I said is that when you meet a woman you should look her in the eye as you shake her hand—as prominent as her nipples might be, she can't see through them. Plus, if you avoid peeking at them until she's not looking, you'll come off as a much more sensitive guy. She'll think you like her just for her! She'll think you're not like all the other guys!
As for gaping at random boobies on the street—do so at your own risk. Breasts are lovely things to behold, but lots of women (even those sporting transparent tops and surgically enhanced D-cups) get cranky about being some random mook's wank material.
Wanking concerns? Write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.