Boys don't cry (until you stop buying them drinks)

Dear Dategirl,

I have a question that has been plaguing me since college regarding a guy I dated for a few months. Whenever we made out, he never went for my breasts, nor would he remove his jacket (!). Once I started to remove his pants when they began to get tangled up around his knees, and he seemed uncomfortable and said he wanted to leave them on because "he didn't know me very well." On another occasion, I stayed at his place, and when I woke up, I found he had gone to sleep on the couch in the living room. It was extremely frustrating because he was such an amazing kisser. I have come up with various reasons (he was gay, he was Mormon, he was a bed wetter) for his behavior, but would like Dategirl's opinion.

Confused Since College

Hey Confused!

My first reaction was that your boyfriend was actually a girlfriend. Didn't you see Boys Don't Cry? You don't say whether or not you actually saw or experienced the package, but given his/her reluctance to shed his pants—or even his/her jacket—I'm guessing you didn't. Though that doesn't explain he/she not going for a grab at your pert little college girl titties, unless he/she was worried you'd make a lunge at his/her taped-down ta-tas!

I briefly considered your theory that he was a religious nut of some ilk (why single out the Mormons?). While it makes a certain amount of sense, there would've been other clues— Our Lady of Guadalupe tattoos, WWJD bracelets, speaking in tongues, and whatnot—besides his need to remain fully clothed at all times. Plus eternal damnation is a powerful motivator for great sex, so I think you probably would've been on the receiving end of some serious sinning if that had been the case.

As for the bed wetter theory—ha! Take it from someone who's slept with a bed shitter, most men aren't considerate enough to let the threat of a couple soiled sheets scare them onto the sofa.

"He was a homo," my friend Kurt assured me after I read him your letter. Kurt, being of the gay persuasion himself, had no doubt in his mind that this was the case. I called him because I thought he would back me up on my it-was-a-chick theory, but he just laughed. See, I figured if the guy were gay, he still would've let you blow him—after all, a mouth is a mouth—but Kurt disagreed, pointing out that a flaccid pee pee (which, Kurt informs me, this gentleman probably would've been sporting if he were a friend of Dorothy) would've been an embarrassment to the poor closet case. Oh.

Though I'm still not ready to give up on my original hypothesis, Kurt's is perhaps a little easier to swallow. But we both agreed that this boyfriend or girlfriend was more than a little cuckoo.

Dear Dategirl,

My highly paid dot-com man pal has been laid off, but he still wants to party. I've been self-employed for years and have never had the income he has had for the past few years. Somehow he thinks I should pick up the bill every time we go out now. I've told him we could have a great time doing free things, but he thinks that's boring. Should I stop seeing him or just stop taking my purse?

Going for Broke

Dear Soon-to-Be-Broke,

Speaking as a marginally employed lass myself, your man is just plain not playing fair. So he was making bucketloads of money, and instead of stashing some of it away, he blew it on champagne, caviar, and overpriced nouvelle cuisine. Stupid move. But the fact that he's with a woman who chose independence over being a wage slave shows he's not a completely shallow putz. However, he's got to realize that you do not have a bottomless pool of Benjamins to fritter away on schmancy snacks and drinks.

I'm all for being supportive, and of course you should spring for things in his time of need, but he's gotta stop being such an immature, selfish prat. It's up to you to lay down the law. Don't leave the house with more than 20 bucks on you. Force him to develop a taste for domestic beer, and no, microbrews don't count. If he continues to kvetch, you have no choice but to let him go find some sugar mama to suck dry. Good luck!

Got a closet case? Freeloader? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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