Here is my problem: I'm a straight male who lately has been fantasizing about getting it from a woman with a strap-on. I'm really paranoid about it, and it makes me feel gay, though I'm not attracted to men in any way. Do you think that being fucked in the ass by a woman with a strap-on would "consider" me gay? And also, I'd like to know how women feel about it: Is it in any way a turn-on for them? Do they enjoy it?
Worried Butt Horny
Dear Ass Bandit,
I don't blame you for being worried! You're soooo gay! You're the gayest gay of all the gays! You're the Queen of Gayville! The Mayor of Mary-Land!
Oh, please! Listen, Se�Semen Demon, gay men have sex (or want to have sex) with other men. You don't. You happen to like cylindrical gadgets jammed up your ass. Yawn. Big deal. Get over yourself. What the hell is so scary about being gay anyway? What are you, some kinda hillbilly or something?
As for whether or not women consider bum-banging their date a turn-on, there is no universal yes or no answer to that question. I can think of several men I'd be delighted to anally violate with a big ol' strap-on, though I can't say it's exactly a turn-on; it's more a power thing. I asked a couple ladies I work with whether or not they thought it hot (and showed them the extremely graphic photo you so thoughtfully provided) and got a big "NO!" So I dunno. I'd broach the topic carefully, but I don't think it's a deal breaker for most girls. And if you can't find a broad who's willing to do you slow and dirty, I'm certain you can find a pretty little boy to do the deed.
Dategirl, please help me! I've been married for four years, and our sex life is dull. I have a very high libido and think about women all the time. I desperately want to fuck another woman. My wife just isn't as horny as I am. Where can I go to find a woman that just wants sex—no relationship? It seems like if you're gay, there are any number of clubs you can go to just for that, but what about straight people? I'm also kinda shy and nervous about being caught. I just want some lunch-break trysts. P.S. I am 33, slim, work out, and am not bad looking.
Dear Prince Charming,
Your wife is a very lucky lady to have someone like you—someone so desperate to fool around, yet so utterly inept. My first piece of advice is to try masturbating more often to see if this takes the edge off. This is not because I'm so opposed to infidelity (though I suppose I am), but because you seem so clueless that I have no doubt that if you do ever manage to find someone, you will get caught immediately. I don't want your poor wife to get hurt.
See, if you're going to make the decision to stray, you should make sure you're doing it for the right reasons. Lots of people cheat because they want out of their relationship and are simply too chickenshit to split. Until recently, I had never cheated on anyone in my life, but things with my ex were so horrible, I felt justified in looking elsewhere. What I should've done was ditched his ass. The fact that I felt not one iota of guilt about cheating on him (in fact, I even talked to my boyfriend on the phone while Side Action lounged naked next to me!) made me realize that the relationship was turning me into a kind of person I didn't want to be. I ended both liaisons pretty soon after that.
However, if you're genuinely happy and in love with your wife, and the lack of sex is your only problem, perhaps you should consider outside action. I would recommend hiring a professional or placing a very honestly worded personal ad. I have to warn you that you'll probably have more luck going the hooker route. The most important thing you should remember is that no matter how bad about it you might feel, there is absolutely no reason to make your wife feel crappy. You're probably going to feel a lot of guilt. Do not be tempted for one minute to spill it to her. Instead, write and tell me in great detail how tormented and miserable you are.
Work it on out, people! Write Dategirl at email@example.com or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.