BEST PLACE FOR A MIDAFTERNOON RENDEZVOUS WITH SOMEONE WHO'S NOT YOUR SPOUSE
Mind you, we're not speaking from experience here. We would never, ever covet our neighbor's/co-worker's/best friend's wife/husband/partner/personal trainer for ourselves, let alone drop some quarters in a waterfront parking meter for a few sweet stolen minutes together at lunchtime. However, for those who do, the parking lot at Myrtle Edwards Park is a clear favorite. As the power walkers and office joggers troop past, sheepish, clandestine-looking couples can be seen in the front seats of a long line of cars, staring out into the Sound together, wondering how long this can go on, kissing and whispering and sometimes lying with the bucket seats all the way back, telling each other, "We must stop. . . . We can't stop." Or so we're told.
The Four Seasons Olympic Hotel lobby: Where nobody knows your name.
BEST PLACE TO OFF A CANADA GOOSE
OK, first of all, you understand that the Canada goose is a protected species. It is, technically, a migratory bird—though these days it can hardly be roused to migrate its lazy (and prolific!) ass from the soccer field to the lane divider. So while you may have heard that Canada geese are being rounded up and killed around here, understand that this can only be done by a licensed professional under the auspices and oversight of the U.S. Department of Fish and Wildlife. That said, should you feel like taking matters into your own hands, we suggest the following locations: anyplace you see one—including beaches, parks, front lawns, reservoirs, traffic circles, highway rest stops, children's playgrounds, company barbecues, historical monuments, corporate "campuses," boat launches, parking lots, pedestrian overpasses, museum grounds, and golfing greens.
BEST PLACE TO LAZE AWAY A WORKDAY AFTERNOON
Who says there's no park in downtown Seattle? Hike over to the Federal Courthouse (1010 Fifth, 553-5598) and you can spread out your picnic on a delightful uncrowded expanse of grass and trees. The feds occupy the entire block bound by Fifth and Sixth, Spring and Madison. But the stately old courthouse itself takes up only half that property. The rest is given over to a broad staircase entrance and the green, sun-drenched, beautifully maintained grounds. It's clean, quiet, and sure beats the hell out of Westlake. The convenient midtown location makes it the perfect place for blowing off an entire workday afternoon, while still allowing you to dash back for a little late-day cube time. Enjoy the place while you can, however: Demolition of the old downtown library across the street—followed by construction of a new one—will soon destroy the tranquility of this place.
BEST PLACE TO ENTERTAIN HOMICIDAL FANTASIES
Does it get any better than shooting people? No. And can we all agree that some people are long overdue for a couple quick bullets to the head? Yes. So, what . . . 9mm? .22, semiautomatic? A Magnum, nice and noisy? Take your pick. At the Bellevue Indoor Range (13570 Bel-Red Rd., Bellevue, 425-649-5995), gun rental is free with membership, from the classic .38 special to the more futuristic Glock-17. And while they won't actually let you shoot people on the premises (not while they're watching, anyway), it's a great place to get a little practice for bringing down you-know-who over in HR. And just in case you're feeling antisocial or self-conscious about your new hobby, take comfort: This is where the official Microsoft Gun Club practices. (With a snappy, professional MS logo, and a motto that's bound to inspire more shootings: "The ultimate in object linking and embedding.") Watch for the clinics on tracking project managers by spoor.
BEST PLACE TO HEADBANG WITH YOUR KIDS
We've heard it all: The Experience Music Project is ugly, it's commercial, it's too expensive, it's a tourist trap . . . blah, blah, blah. People, EMP is a helluva good time if you can get over yourself. In short, it's a great place to take your kids and enjoy rock 'n' roll. It fits perfectly with the cheesy glitz that is Seattle Center. It's chock full of fun gizmos and gadgets. There are cool videos, the restaurant is a blast, and not only does the Liquid Lounge feature bands up close in your lap, it's also smoke free! But the greatest feature of all is EMP's concert hall: the Sky Church (EMP, 325 Fifth N., 770-2700, www.emplive.com). There are fantastic shows under this cathedral ceiling, with a feast of acoustically fantastic speakers. Plus, the venue is clean, well run, and it's crawling with security. Forget the Fun Forest. What better family outing is there?
BEST PLACE TO DUMP ASHES
The new HBO series Six Feet Under has ripped the lid off, so to speak, the mortuary business. The callous, cavalier way in which the bodies are "prepared" for viewing should make plenty of viewers think twice about the open- casket idea and cause a jump in cremations. But as regular watchers can attest, in the hands of a crafty salesperson, that can be just one more opportunity for markup unless you take matters into your own hands. Of course, we recommend a professional for the actual ashes-to-ashes procedure, but for dispersal, if you're not a boat owner, you can't find a better deal than the lovely Elliott Bay water taxi (runs between Seacrest Park and Pier 54, $2 each way, call 553-3000 for schedule). The eight-minute ride whisks you right across the bay and the tiny open back provides an ideal vantage point from which to launch the people powder. Your loved one will float forever surrounded by the cityscape, Mount Rainier, and some soon-to-be-satisfied fishies.
