Best of Seattle Critics' Picks

BEST PLACE TO STAGE MURDER BY DEFENESTRATION

It's a gruesome kind of killing, unless it's done gloriously, with style—for example, if a loathsome telephone services telemarketer were suddenly thrust through the top western-facing window of the downtown Qwest building (1600 Seventh). The victim would ride the light down 33 stories gracefully, arms out, chin up, in a daring swan dive. In rapid descent, he would reach terminal velocity shortly before crashing through the clear glass ceiling of Pacific Place. Smartly dressed shoppers at Cartier and L'Occitane would glance up at the confetti of showering glass and refracted light and, removing their sunglasses, exclaim, "What ambiance!" In their gaze, the victim would fall fashionably for another four stories and land in a neat pile on the beige tiles outside BCBG and Coach, not far from a paint-splattered pig and a crowd of chatty cafe patrons lunching on mayo-heavy panini.

BEST PLACE TO SERVE AS A REMINDER THAT SPEEDOS ARE NOT FOR EVERYONE

Sure, we understand that when the sun deigns to make an appearance for a few weeks every summer people get excited and behave irrationally. And we certainly wouldn't begrudge any pasty citizens the chance to brown a little. But, honey, just because something fits over your ham (barely), that doesn't mean you have to wear it. A quick scan of Madison Beach on a busy summer afternoon should be enough to convince any conscious human that Speedos are not intended to be worn by almost anyone outside of Greg Louganis in his glory days. The shore is teeming with the most unwise of unwise fashion choices, the clingy swimwear suffocating scrawny keisters and family jewels that should never see the light of day. If seeing the local equivalent of Niles Crane from Frasier strutting his skimpy stuff doesn't keep you out of that suit, nothing will.

BEST PLACE TO PRETEND YOU'RE NOT FROM HERE

Sometimes this town feels pretty damn small—too damn small. Sometimes you want to seek refuge from the Cheers-like hangouts and your family backyard and become something else entirely: a visitor. And while certain parts of downtown reek of generic gentrification to the point where you don't know if you're in Seattle or Denver or Orlando, there's always one place that makes you feel, at the very least, like you're an outta-towner: the lobby of the Four Seasons Olympic Hotel (411 University, 621-1700). This stalwart structure, bedecked in Oriental carpets and chandeliers (not to mention the occasional palm tree around the corner) and adorned on the outside with fountains, flowers, and well-appointed doormen and bellhops, is the farthest thing from what you experience every day. Face it, this is the last place your people will come looking for you. And as you inhale the cigar fumes coming from a cluster of Middle Eastern businessmen or a perfume cloud from a nearby French coterie, you'll look every bit the outsider. Sit back in a stuffed velveteen chair, order a drink at the nearest of several bars, and watch people check their Louis Vuitton luggage into lavish suites. Don't worry; even if you look like a Seattleite, nobody inside this temple to deluxe tourism will ever suspect you're a native lying low.

BEST PLACE TO SNEAK AWAY FROM WORK AND CHECK YOUR EBAY BIDS

Got one of those pesky, over-your- shoulder-peeking bosses? Couple that with a penchant for logging onto eBay and bidding on pretty shoes or rare records, and you're in quite a pickle. But fear not, the Online Coffee Company (1720 E. Olive Way, 328-3731; 1111 First, 381-1911; www.onlinecoffeeco.com) extends its warm, latte-bearing arms to you. A coffee or tea gets you 20 free minutes of Internet play, plenty of time to jump in just before cutthroat Kathy from Akron outbids you. And with two convenient locations, one downtown and one on Capitol Hill, chances are you'll be able to sneak away in just under the time it'll take your boss to notice that you're gone. The Online Coffee Co. does perfectly what plenty of other places have merely tried to do: They make excellent Caff頖ita coffee, and they serve it up with style, smiles, and plenty of well-maintained PCs.

BEST PLACE TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT HOMELESSNESS

Over the last 14 months, the folks at SHARE/WHEEL have held together an unconventional and extraordinary effort: Tent City. It's a self-managed encampment that provides shelter for around 100 people who would otherwise be living on the streets. But because city government forbids encampments—despite its inability to fund the shelter needs of Seattle's population adequately—Tent City can't stay in any one place for too long. This transient community has had to move 18 times, relying on various churches and property owners for use of their land. This, of course, is ridiculous. But so far, it's working—and since you're always mewling about how bad homelessness is anyway, why not go on and do something about it? This strange wandering carnival could use your help: Send money, volunteer your time, or get your church, synagogue, or mosque to offer shelter to this fine project. Contact them by calling 448-7889 or by writing SHARE/WHEEL, P.O. Box 2548, Seattle, WA 98111.