DEAR PET LADY,
I am concerned about the lack of regard for our reptile and amphibian friends. Why does no one write to you about them? It seems to me that you only get attention as an animal if you have fur or feathers, and this bothers me. I have included a picture of one of my foster iguanas (I am the coordinator of the herpetological adoption program) sporting a pair of wings. I have large waiting lists of iguanas and snakes and turtles that are in need of good homes. My question for you is do you plan on attending this weekend's educational Reptile and Amphibian Fair at the Seattle Aquarium? I am hoping to see you there to discuss the needs of our reptile friends out there, lest they be forgotten.
DEAR MS. JENN WYNNE,
My, you have a lot of N's in your name. Might your parents have thought about leaving some for the rest of us when christening you? Why, the Pet Lady could have been the Pen Lady, or the Net Lady, and think what a different and perhaps better place the world would be! Well, dear, you are not to blame as presumably you were but an infant at the time, and you seem to have fared well; your mother must be very proud to have a herpetologist in the family. The Pet Lady loves all the animals, even annoying high-strung purebred dogs and cats named Peeti who, from under the bed, claw one's hand when one is merely attempting to get them out to administer therapeutic petting. She holds the lizards and their comrades in especially high regard, both for their interestingly textured skin and the calm way that they just look at one. Turtles are especially admirable for obvious reasons.
The Pet Lady dearly wishes to receive more inquiries about the non-furred and -feathered friends, and challenges her lovely readers to send a photo more spectacular than this one of an iguana apparently ready to take flight. Also, any readers wishing to add a reptile or amphibian to their family may contact the Pet Lady, and she shall have the Pet Secretary forward your inquiry to the lady of many N's. (She would also like to remind everyone how fun it is to feed live mice to snakes.) As far as attending the Fair of which you speak, Ms. Wynne, will there be sparkling adult beverages served? Please advise.
Best of luck with all your amphibian and reptilian ventures,
The Pet Lady
Send your pet query and depiction to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail email@example.com.