A few months ago I broke up with the second-biggest sociopath I've ever had the misfortune of dating. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I needed help getting him outta my head, so I took myself on a little vacation. While in L.A. (where better to empty your head?), a friend dragged my still mopey ass to the Viper Room to check out this "awesome" all-chick metal band she'd heard about. Yawn, thought I. Wrong was I. Betty Blowtorch were just what this beaten-down, sad-sack, shadow-of-her-former-self girl needed! Their songs are loud power-punk/metal/pop anthems about fucking boys and not taking any shit. I immediately became a disciple, yammering on about their godheaditude to anybody who'd listen and a few who wouldn't. Inspired by them, I deleted the ex's phone number from my cell, threw out the rest of the gifts he'd given me (except the Kiss Fountain of Blood—that's not going anywhere), and regained some of the swagger he'd beat outta me.
When I heard there was a Betty Blowtorch record (aptly titled Are You Man Enough?) coming out, I quickly got myself an advance CD. In fact, my first sleepover date with my new boyfriend almost ended prematurely after I forced him to listen to them (and me) chanting "I really loved you—you're EVIL!" at top volume. Luckily, he recovered. Now I know this isn't a music column, but with songs like "Shut Up and Fuck" and "Size Queen" (yes, boys, it does matter), I thought that these wise ladies could help my readership like they helped me. So I sat down with singer Bianca Butthole and guitarist Sharon Needles and posed them some of the questions I get asked most often.
Dategirl: OK, here's a letter from a reader: "I like this guy, but not in a big-time romantic way. Since neither of us are attached, I was thinking that we should just have sex until our true loves come along. He thinks it'll ruin our friendship. What do you think?"
Bianca: A year ago I was going through the same thing. I told this guy, "Look, I just wanna fuck you, no strings attached," and he was like, "Fine, great, perfect." And then he started calling all the time and telling me I'm too emotionally unavailable. . . . I was like, hey, this is a guy's dream. But he got all attached.
Sharon: Yeah, whatever happened to booty call?
I know you've got a song about being some guy's booty call, "I Wanna Be Your Sucker," but how do you guys feel about the practice?
Sharon: I love the booty call.
Bianca: Booty call's a gooood thing.
Sharon: Well, booty call is good when the guy is good. No point in having a booty call if the guy's no good.
OK, here's another one: "Dear Dategirl, I give better head than a freshly tapped keg of Guinness, yet still I think my boyfriend likes beer better than me! What should I do?"
Bianca: Oh, shit.
Sharon: That's cool if he likes booze, but if he likes booze more than me? There's no competition there. Been there, done that.
Bianca: She'll never fix it until he wants to fix it.
Sharon: You gotta get with the guy who worships you. Until he's willing to go to some meetings . . . unless she's codependent and she wants a guy who passes out every night.
Bianca: I had a drunk last year. He would get drunk and pass out every night with his clothes on. I wasn't even getting laid! Then one night I complained to him because it was my birthday. I said, "You know what—you're not falling asleep with your clothes on." So he started undressing in my front yard!
What are your thoughts on vibrators?
Bianca: Me and Johnny Two-Speeds—I love my Silver Bullet.
Do you prefer battery operated or plug-in models?
Sharon: Battery operated.
Bianca: I have both. For the quick fix, the plug-in one. Real quick—bada bing, bada boom. But the battery one's cool, you can travel with it. The Cybercock [actual name: the Cyberskin Plus] is really good. . . . NASA made a synthetic skin, and now they're [not NASA, people!] making dildos out of them. I had a guy tell me to close my eyes, and he slapped that in my hand. It feels just like the real deal.
Betty Blowtorch is playing Seattle on Saturday [June 30] at the Breakroom. What do you guys look for in a man?
Sharon: Hopefully they have a job.
Bianca: Big hands, big feet, and, uh, a big . . . nose.
Any tips on how local boys can impress you ladies?
Sharon: Don't do anything really cheesy, just be cool—buy us drinks!
Line up to buy the bitches of Betty Blowtorch refreshing alcoholic beverages! Oh, and write Dategirl at firstname.lastname@example.org or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.