1. TULLY'S TWISTERS WIN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP: Seattle's second pro basketball team was granted a franchise in 2004—and immediately opened its own stadium across the street from Key Arena, just to aggravate Sonics owner Howard Schultz. Imitation has finally paid off. Using a full-court (French) press, the squad was taller and more wired than their opponents, the Los Angeles (Traffic) Jam-which was led by aging center Shaquille O'Neal.
2. EMP BLOB TORN DOWN AFTER ROLLERCOASTER RECEPTION: After 10 years as the "Experience Music Project" museum, five as a disco club, and the last 10 as a Greek restaurant, owner Paul Allen has decided to pull the plug on this lower Queen Anne eyesore. Allen plans to build bad condos on the soon-to-be-vacant site. City planners are also asking him to consider using the lot as an open commons space.
3. AMAZON TO FOCUS ON SHIT: As part of Jeff Bezos' "get the crap out" strategy, the last remaining e-commerce retailer has "dumped" books, CDs, housewares, DVDs, and Drugstore.com's entire product line in order to concentrate on selling manure. "There's always a demand for fertilizer, especially if it's delivered quickly, to smart customers who know what they want," said the confused Bezos, whose net worth is now approximately $16. According to the statement, customer reviews will still be an important part of Amazon's site.
4. MONORAIL'S NEW LINE LINKS SEATTLE CENTER WITH DOWNTOWN! After haggling for decades over the exact route, the first leg of the Monorail was completed last week, replacing the original mile-long route. With thinner, more appealing stanchions, the line is aesthetically pleasing to downtown businesses—and less expensive than the hovercrafts voters approved in the 2015 election. "We're proud to finally be making progress on our region's pressing need for transportation infrastructure and increased mobility," said Mayor Wills.
5. BOEING RETURNS! After relocating first to Dallas, then to Tijuana, Boeing-Airbus-El Al-Aeroflot is finally coming home to Seattle following three decades away. "It was the water in Tijuana, really," said Chairman Rupert Tollefsen. "That, and the social diseases." Boeing's headquarters will house 250 workers in the now vacant Veteran's Hospital. Their ten production plants and 25,000 engineering jobs will remain in China, however.
6. CANTWELL TO RUN FOR THE MONEY: Four- term U.S. Senator Maria Cantwell may have begun her political career for the issues, but now it's for the paycheck. With her shares of defunct RealNetworks not worth the paper they're printed on, Cantwell has sponsored literally dozens of bills to raise congressional salaries. With no social security system in place, Cantwell, now 67, "needs the cash," said a spokeswoman.
7. MARINERS THREATEN TO LEAVE UNLESS DEMANDS FOR NEW FLOATING STADIUM MET: The Seattle Mariners have indicated they will move the team to Texas if the King County Council does not secure taxpayer funds to replace aging Safeco Field. "We don't really care what the voters said on referendums 1200, 1270, or 1411," stated owner and ex-player Alex Rodriguez, referring to the three overwhelming "no" votes on public funding for a new stadium. "This isn't about the fans. This is about the money. What are you, an idiot?"
8. GORTON NO LONGER TO HEAR A (HORTON) HOOT: After the recent 9-0 ruling overturning the Endangered Species Act, the last known Spotted Owl—nicknamed Horton by conservationists and living in the Washington Mutual Tower— fell off his perch and croaked. Supreme Court Chief Justice Slade Gorton had no comment, but did smile broadly when told the news.
9. I'M STILL STANDIN': VIADUCT AT 100! Damaged in the 2001 and 2015 quakes, the double-deck Alaskan Way Viaduct has outlasted its critics—not to mention the West Seattle Freeway (windstorm of 2009), Hammering Man (the '05 Riot), Benaroya Hall (A Special Kenny G Christmas, 2011) and the billion-dollar Seahawks Stadium (Beacon Hill Mudslide of 2015). Plans are moving forward to add a third level in 2045.