The Culture Bunker

Here's an exclusive excerpt from Courtney's pitch to Kat: "C'monnnnnnnn! Join my new band! I'll keep all the money and you get the rub from being associated with me again! C'monnnnnnnn!" Somewhere, Jennifer Finch is screening her calls.

So one of the Donnas is marrying her longtime boyfriend, some guy named Shemp. In other news, one of the scary girls from Kittie is marrying her longtime boyfriend Moe, and one of them Bikini Kill chicks is having a commitment ceremony with her longtime girlfriend, Curly.

Great Rock Moment of the Moment Department: Gavin of Terris sputtering "b-b-burst with baby blisters" on the stunning "Shapeshifter." Have you people bought a copy of the brilliantly frightening, frighteningly brilliant Learning to Let Go yet? You really should. Really. . . . Two problems with Guided by Voices' "Baba O'Riley" cover: 1. Pollard is now actually older than Daltrey. 2. His British accent is thicker. . . . Separated at Birth, Only in a Sad Way Department: Soul Asylum and Train. Soul Asylum were truly great once upon a time. No fooling! . . .

Can anybody tell us why some dried apricots are chewy, tender, and sweet, while others are just leathery and gross?

That Robert Downey Jr. sure does like to get his load on. . . . Christina Applegate tells In Style that she's fond of her breasts. Us too. . . . Josh Brolin is even dumber than his dad. . . . A guest shot on, say, Friends, is obviously an agent's way of easing a has-been no talent like, say, Winona Ryder or Dame Kathleen Turner, into accepting a crummy pilot next season. . . .

Worst Current Ad Line: "Chewy stops the chatter." Feeding your talkative toddler granola spiked with Baby Ruth is bad enough, but to come right out and say that you're doing it to shut them up? That's just bad parenting. Not that the little buggers don't need to be silenced, but stuffing them with candy is evil business. . . .

Speaking of evil business, Ben Harper's version of "The Drugs Don't Work" makes us want to grab the guitar out of his hands and do a Belushi on his caf頡u lait ass—only we wouldn't say, "Sorry." You know why? 'Cause we're not sorry. . . . Think Suge's release from prison has some people nervous? It's gonna be like the ending of The Godfather—ahem, we mean The Doggfather. . .

Media critics are understandably upset with CNN Headline News' hiring of Detective Jill Kirkendall, kvetching that the network is emphasizing star power over journalistic credentials. Still, let's get real—this woman was the seventh-billed, token second female on NYPD Blue. She's about as famous as Holly Firfer. And hey, doesn't giving an important entry-level anchor job to a woman over 40 qualify as progress?

The Record We're Most Looking Forward to (After Amnesiac, Of Course): Billy Bob Thornton's solo debut, provisionally titled I've Fooled People into Thinking I'm a Talented Filmmaker, Maybe They'll Buy into This Shit, Too. The Record We're Most Looking Forward to II: Steven Seagal's reggae album, which is currently being produced by Wyclef Jean, who really really likes being a celebrity. . . .

Gov. Gary Johnson of New Mexico wants to legalize weed. And he's a Republican! A Republican! May we be the first to say the following four words: Gary Johnson for President! . . . Think A Knight's Tale will be any good without Mel Gibson hanging around to tell Brian Helgeland what to do? Just remember, the last time this man directed a movie by himself was Dr. Giggles. How come The Ticking Man never got made anyway?

Mmmmm. Baby Ruth. . . .

This week's nominee for the full-on Maxim treatment: April Stevens, of backwoods bluegrass duo the Stevens Sisters. . . . This week's hot pick from the CB bookshelf: Thomas P. Lowry's The Story the Soldiers Wouldn't Tell: Sex in the Civil War. Yes, it's a forbidden subject too hot for the likes of Ken Burns—not even with a camera slowly panning close-in on an old French postcard.

Hey Courtney, FYI, one of the broads from Fluffy is on VH1's Band on the Run. We're thinking she's available.

e-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com

 
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