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How's it goin', eh?
That's right. Because you, the readers, couldn't live withoot it, it's our second annual retrospective look at the Juno Awards, our Neighbors to the North's answer to the Grammys. That is, of course, as opposed to Germany's answer to the Grammys, the "No Jew" awards—which, to quote Canuck chanteuse and all-around imbecile Chantal Kreviazuk last time we made this joke, "there may or may not be."
THOM YORKE TURNED HIM ON TO THOSE GUYS
Last year's hosts, The Moffats, kick off the show. The Tobey Maguire-looking singer/keyboardist is wearing a Pink Floyd shirt.
BUT ALL THE BEST HOCKEY PLAYERS ARE SWEDISH
Creepy host Rick Mercer says that other countries enjoy Canadian music "because it's the best music in the world."
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS SENTENCE?
"Canadian guitar gods Colin James and Jesse Cook." Folks, we are a long, long way from Rik Emmitt.
ACTUALLY, SHE ATE CATHERINE O'HARA
A mere 18 minutes into the ceremonies, Jann Arden waddles up to the podium to plug Oh What a Feeling 2, a CanCon collection from those weasels at CARAS (that's the Canadian Academy of Record Arts and Sciences—hiya, Daisy! How you like us now?!?). The idea that someone might actually spend money on a double-CD of Canuck hits makes us feel certain we're actually watching an old SCTV sketch.
HOW COME WE HAVE TO GO TO GODDAMN HAMILTON, ONTARIO, WHILE YOU GET TO GO ON VACATION WITH BRITNEY?
Lance and Joey 'N SYNC take over the "American boy bands could give a fuck about the Junos, so we're sending our two least interesting members" role played last year by Howie and A.J. Backstreet Boys.
SADLY, NOT AN ASHLEY MACISAAC COVER BAND
"Best Rap Recording" goes to Swollen Members. Kinda makes you appreciate Eminem all the more, doesn't it?
WE'RE STILL WAITING FOR THE "WORKING OVERTIME" PART
Fresh from their triumphant arena tour, the reunited Guess Who play sitting down.
SHOW US YOUR TETS!
"Best Jazz Artist": the Rob McConnell Tentet.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS SENTENCE? II
"An All-Star tribute to Hall of Fame inductee Bruce Cockburn featuring Barenaked Ladies, Jann Arden, Terri Clark, and Sarah Harmer."
OUR FAVORITE IS ALEC
"Best Country Group": The Wilkinsons.
IF THE SHOW WERE HELD IN QUEBEC, SHE COULD HAVE BEEN ARRESTED FOR SPEAKING PORTUGUESE
The night belongs to Nelly Furtado, who apparently is like a bird. She thanks her coproducers Field and Stream. Nelly (who, like many of her peers, is hot in a Courteney Cox-kinda way) seems both smarter and nicer than Chantal, but her performance reminds us of Alanis on StarSearch—only not as funky.
COULD TIM HORTON'S TOUR SPONSORSHIP BE FAR BEHIND?
"Best Female Artist": Jann Arden.
BECAUSE CANADIANS ARE ALLOWED TO FLY THERE
"Best Global Album" goes to some Cuban thing. More importantly, what's up with the "Global"? World Music isn't good enough? Fucking Canada always has to be different. . . .
HE ALSO DESIGNED MICHAEL'S NEW SUIT
"Best Aboriginal Album": Florent Vollant.
WE PREFER GORD MOZART TO FARLEY BRAHMS, BUT MAURICE "ROCKET" RAVEL KICKS BOTH THEIR ASSES
A question about the classical categories: How exactly is Canadian classical music different from regular classical music? Is there a classical CanCon rule?
HIP-HOP IS THE BLACK CBC NEWS
The centerpiece of this year's show is a tribute to "the Canadian urban sound . . . our story in rhyme." The biggest name featured (yes, even bigger than Jacksoul, Maestro, or Michie-Me) is, um, Snow. Though we've got no trouble with the Dream Warriors, who remain boombastic as ever.
PUNCH ME, MORE LIKE
"Best Single": Barenaked Ladies' "Pinch Me."
WHAT, FLORENT VOLLANT WAS BUSY?
We suspect that shlumpy multiple Juno recipient Nelly Furtado—who is like a bird of some kind—designs her own clothes.
EVEN IN CANADA, A JUNO NOMINATION MEANS NOTHING
Fiddle virtuoso Natalie McMaster is introduced as a "recent Grammy nominee."
HAVE WE MENTIONED SHE'S LIKE A BIRD?
On another trip up, Nelly thanks producers Horse and Hound, then gives a shout-out to her Victoria, B.C., hip-hop posse. We here at the Bunker have always sided with Nanaimo in that particular feud. Qualicum Beach in the hiz-ouse!
RICK MERCER IS NOTORIOUS FOR KEEPING THE STUDIO AT EIGHT DEGREES
Gordon Lightfoot and Dr. David Suzuki induct Bruce Cockburn into the Juno Hall of Fame. Kee-rist, you could walk from Cape Breton to Port Hardy in the time it takes for the tributes to unreel. Hell, Bono even turns up, though all he really does is rework his Bob Marley speech, replacing "Rastaman" with "Episcopalian." As for Bruce, he's wearing a fleece under his sports jacket.
THUS ANSWERING THE QUESTION, WHO IS THE JUNO EQUIVALENT OF JACK NICHOLSON?
Geddy Lee presents "Best Album" to Barenaked Ladies, who are taking a break from singing "O Canada" at NHL games to do a real tour (they are coming to us live from Prince George!). These guys have improved a little since Matt Pinfield joined the band, but to be honest we were pulling pretty hard for Our Lady Peace's latest magnum opus, "Happiness Is Not a Fish That You Can Catch . . . Unless You Live Near the Salmon Hatchery."
WE FORGOT TO WRITE A CHOCLAIR JOKE THIS YEAR
But it's still fun to say!
Sqwubbsy@aol.com
