Encyclopaedia of Evil

BULLET- POINTED LIST,

Communication1 tool developed in the earliest days of the Gates Dynasty. Pioneered by government employees and private-sector junior executives, the BPL2 quickly found a niche as efficiency came to be valued over style (see "Inhumanity to Man, Man's"). Though resisted for some time by polemically correct academics and neophobes,3 it gained universal currency following wildly popular, Internet-distributed one-page condensations of Shakespeare, Dante, and the Bible.4 Integration of BPL techniques into street slang is credited with introducing the click sound5 into the English and Japanese languages. This term must not be confused with the similar "bullet-pointed lust."6

1. By "communication" the reader should understand "obfuscation of incompetence or ignorance," as per the doublespeak protocols pertaining to corporate studies and internetymology.

2. See Encyclop椩a of Evil Supplement 3: Initializations and Acronyms.

3. From the extensive online journal of Gilbert Horn: "While there may be appropriate uses for bullet points, they are, like pest-control chemicals, leaking into our shared environment and poisoning the rest of us. Even humor columnists—generally funniest when hunted for sport—found that they were capable of further degrading their art by eliminating any semblance of cohesion in their work. Moved firmly, brusquely, from laugh line to laugh line with no time to rest, to enjoy a well-crafted but not immediately gut-busting sentence or two, the reader is giddy at first, but tires quickly and soon resents his cruel tormentor. So let's endeavor to contain these grotesquely dehumanizing language constructs to corporate boardrooms and military ready rooms, where they do the least harm." [Horn, a strongly partisan advocate of the leftist group Humorists for Social Responsibility, consistently called attention to the essentially reactionary nature of satire. His appeals were generally interpreted as irony. Nobody listened to Cassandra, either.—Ed.]

4. In the words of early 21st-century spiritual leader George W. Bush: "Can't you just see the Ten Commandments done up in PowerPoint? God was onto something. If He wanted us to use complete sentences . . . well, hey, let's keep it simple is all."

5. The clicks represent the points, of course, with modulation for primary points, secondaries, indentation, etc. Boldface, italics, and other textual features are typically manifested in regional, mutually incomprehensible hand-jive code (see "Kids Today, What's Wrong With").

6. Underground code word for "pantsuit fetish."

Rob Lightner, Contrib.

 
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