Friends or foe?

Dear Dategirl,

My ex and I had been together for a long time. Things had been bad for a while, but our final breakup occurred when a friend called to tell me he'd heard that my boyfriend had gotten engaged to someone who—up until then—had been a good friend of mine. When I confronted him about this, he told me that it was none of my business!

Now it's a few months later. Since we broke up, I've been dating a few other people, but the sex with them has ranged from mediocre to just plain bad (with one exception, but he lives about a thousand miles away). My ex is the standard by which all others are measured: He was the best sex I ever had!

My friends hate my ex, and I completely understand why: When we broke up, he threatened to burn down my house and firebomb my car after I refused to return a gift he'd given me early in our relationship. There were other incidents too, but you get the point.

The problem is that we spent the weekend together recently, and this prompted him to break up with the new girlfriend. He wants to get back together, and I do too. However, I'm worried about what my friends will say. I feel like a bit of an idiot, even though I know that I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before. At the same time, I'm not really sure that things will work out with him. I was such a pain in the ass to my friends during the first breakup; I don't want to subject them to that again. Another problem is that I'm not sure I want to give up the other guys I'm seeing just because the ex has reared his extremely cute head again. I don't know if this is going to last or not.

Help!

I Love My Friends but I Want My Man

Dear ILMFBIWMM,

First I would like to point out that I am no stranger to dating the guy who everybody hates—my first boyfriend spit in my mother's face. Charming, no? I am also quite aware that, no matter what I say, you're going to get back together with this prime specimen of manhood; I accept that. However, there are a few things that you should keep in mind.

Did you notice that you didn't say you loved him till the end of the letter? Though I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like you're being a bit of a slave to your twat. Perhaps if you'd come across someone who could actually throw a decent fuck your way and lived in the same area code, you wouldn't be contemplating hitching a ride back to Hellville with this schmo.

So for your sake, don't give up the other guys unless they really start to irritate you. You should work on training them: Sex is one of the few areas in which grown men can be schooled with any level of success. As long as you do it subtly and they get to shoot their wad at the end, they're fairly willing pupils. The thing to remember is this guy was banging your friend! (We won't even get into what kind of special hell this bitch is headed for!)

Your friends (except for that one) love you. They want you to be happy. They don't care who makes you happy, but he made you miserable—not to mention he threatened you with grievous bodily harm. You slipped in the codicil that the whole arson-and-detonation thing came up after you refused to return a gift, but it doesn't matter why he made these threats. And though obviously he didn't follow through with them, they are to be taken seriously. It goes without saying that I don't think he warrants another chance.

However, you have the (dis)advantage of also knowing all the great things about Prince Charm-free. You know that he's boss in the sack, has read (and understood) the complete works of Foucault, and cries during sappy movies that don't even elicit a tear from you—and you're a chick! Your friends don't give a shit about any of this. Their memories of him are colored by sobbing middle-of-the-night phone calls, drinks bought after he stood you up for dinner, and countless hours spent listening to his many transgressions.

I've found that my friends are usually—not always, but generally—right. Yours probably are too. Although they might think you're an ass for potentially putting yourself through the mill again, hopefully they'll keep it to themselves and spare you the "I told you so" when it ends in tears once more.

Need schooling? Write dategirl@seattleweekly.com or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104.

 
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